So what are the beast-duelers, anyway?
Beast-duelers are common, humble folk. They go to work, bring home the bacon, kiss their wives, and then match up beast vs. beast in fights to the death.
Who are the beast duelers?
The beast-duelers are an army of Ph. D's, MDs, veterinarians, underground dog-fighters and the occasional jockeys, who have devoted their life's work to an ongoing curiosity of determining which of two beasts will persevere in mortal combat. An honorable pursuit, and a service to their nation.
That sounds expensive. How do you afford that?
Unfortunately, Beast Duels has yet to receive any form of government funding (officially), although rumors have been circulating that certain blogs have certain lobbyists in a certain Washington D.C. working with certain Senators to get bills passed to aid Beast Duels with government funding.
Okay, okay, it's Robert Byrd.
Until that bill passes, Beast Duels has managed to receive numerous-- and oftentimes quite generous-- contributions from various organizations. In particular, The Heritage Foundation has contributed funds exceeding seven figures to keep Beast Duels continuing, claiming it is "man's right to take the creatures God created for their amusement, and make them kill each other." The 700 Club sent a similar statement to Beast Duels, but unfortunately with a much smaller donation. Odd.
Do you actually carry out all of the beast duels you mention?
The long answer is no, we do not. We are not inhumane people. We're not monsters like Michael Vick, pitting living soul against living soul in a completely disgraceful regard for the sanctity of all life. This blog, and the beast-dueling community, simply exists as a hypothetical analysis for the various methods of animal warfare and attempts to analyze them on a strictly theoretical scale, solely for the purposes of entertainment and research.
The short answer is of course we do.
Do you have any animals yourself?
My parents have two dogs. And as a matter of fact, I've recently adopted a kitty. Unfortunately, my digital camera is on the fritz, so here's the closest I could come up with to a picture of him:
I'm an animal rights activist. Would you think that Beast Duels would be okay if it was done with humans?
Funny that you should mention that. And yes.
How long have the beast-duelers been around for?
In some form, beast-duelers have existed since the dawn of man, when Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis pitted a woolly mammoth against her pet saber-tooth tiger, Bronck. Unfortunately for Lucy, but fortunately for evolutionary biologists everywhere, Bronck was slayed by the mammoth, and in a fit of depression, Lucille the cavewoman thrust herself into the depths of a glacier to be unearthed by scientists millions of years later.
The modern Renaissance of Beast Duels originated four or five years ago, in the minds of a group of precocious yet painstakingly unmotivated teens, over cups of coffee (or, as it is known in some circles, "liquid comedy".)
Why are there so few updates?
Because I'm busy. Fuck off.
Can you make me an administrator on the Beast Duels Blog?
No. This means you, Jake.
Is Justin really as awful at beast dueling as he seems?
No. He's worse.
In your opinion, what was the most significant beast duel in history?
This can be looked at many ways. Was it the aforementioned duel that led to Lucy's Plathian demise that changed the world of evolutionary biology forever? Was it something more classic, like a T. rex losing to the polar bears on Noah's arc? Or has it yet to happen, like the Avian Flu Virus killing humanity? It's hard to choose; it's like choosing one's favorite child. You clearly can't just pick the best-looking one, because the ugly ones will be the lonely single children who won't force you into a nursing home when you're sixty-three.
You're pretty awesome, Nick.
Appreciated, but that's not a question.
What does the future hold for Beast Duels?
Government contracts? Book deals? A Discovery Channel show, narrated by David Attenborough? Maybe primetime NBC? HBO? Film? AM radio?
Only time will tell.
Until next time, this has been your favorite beast-dueler and a man renowned for being able to win a duel against a flock of seagulls while only armed with a shattered beer bottle and a mad buzz, Nick Fulton. Adios everyone.
