Ostrich vs. Kangaroo

In this installment of Beast Duels, we shall be discussing a duel of biblical-- nay, Qaranical!-- proportions. It is a duel which has sparked a great deal of controversy amongst the duelers in Akron, mostly due to the fact that they are pathetically unaware that when it comes to Beast Dueling, my hubris is law. I won't leave you on the edge of your seat writhing in the cold sweat of anticipation; let's dive right in.

The Duel: An Ostrich vs. A Kangaroo

The Setting: An Open Field

Type of Duel: Battle Royal: The Duelers fight to the death.

Kangaroo Statistics:

• A red kangaroo can jump over 30 feet at once. This is longer than the world record for humans, a species known for its horizontal leap.
• Males can grow up to 6 feet and weigh up to 180 pounds.
• Males fight by standing on their hindlimbs and locking arms in a boxing stance. They are also known to kick with their powerful legs and use their sharp claws to eviscerate their opponents. Eew.

Ostrich Statistics:

• Largest living species of bird.
• Can't fly
• The red-necked ostrich, the largest species, can grow up to 9 feet tall and weigh up to 340 pounds.
  
• Can eviscerate opponents with kicks from its powerful hindlegs (sound familiar?)

Hm. I see a lot of similarities here. Neither can fly, and both fight by kicking. Besides the not-being-able-to-fly part, it sounds a little like two ninjas going at it. So who has the advantage here?

To analyze this, we're best served by comparing the characteristics each has.

Kangaroos can jump far and can cool their body temperature with their spit. Ostriches are fucking heavy. Which would you rather have in a fight?

I don't really need to continue on here, but I will because some people are a little slow.

A kangaroo can jump. Great. Good for it. So can fleas. Ostriches can run over 40 mph; I can barely drive that fast (Asian).

Advantage: Ostrich.

Let's look at their kicking abilities: One is kicking with 180 pounds of force. The other is kicking with nearly double that.

Advantage: Ostrich.

(If you're having trouble following why the ostrich gets the advantages here, please don't contact me to ask)

Plus, look at this technique:


This is an easy victory for the ostrich. I know, I know, the Looney Tunes of your youth made you think that ostriches were big fucking pansies who always stuck their neck in the sand, whereas kangaroos were badass boxers. Life lesson time: cartoons aren't always telling the truth. Just the Simpsons.

Til next time, happy dueling
--Nick