A Two-Fer!

Maybe you guys read the news every once in a while. For those of you who can't, let me tell you what's going on in a segment I like to call "This Week In Beast Duels".

For this week's This Week In Beast Duels.... eh, fuck it. Let's call it "Beast Duels In The News."

For this week's Beast Duels In The News, we've got a two-fer for you guys.

Round 1:

The Competitors: Travis the Chimp + Borrelia burgdorferi* vs. some woman's face

Let's start with a few photos of the competitors:

Travis:


Borrelia:


That lady:


According to the 911 phone call, the monkey "ripped her face off." I've seen a number of beast duels in my day, but a chimp goin Buffalo Bill on some woman is pretty uncalled for. I mean, what would make a monkey go so bananas?!

I suppose that joke was in poor taste. Still, I can't help but wonder if a maneuver like this would've worked better for the lady.

Goddamn is it gonna be warm down there in hell. It's alright, stick with me. I have one of those mini-fans that shoots mist. And a lifetime supply of AAA batteries. Anyways, as much as I hate to admit it, round one goes to Monkey + spirochete**.

Which brings us to Round 2:

The Competitors: Travis the Monkey + Borrelia burgdorferi vs. A Gun



The winner: Well no shit geniuses, it's the fucking gun. The cops killed that stupid monkey.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it PETA? Huh?!

Oh. Right. Wow, those people really are fucking assholes. Of course, they haven't so much as once made a peep about this blog. Fucking pansies. They couldn't handle a blog war versus us. Seriously, what would they do? Throw red paint on me? Didn't they see what happened in Carrie? You really don't wanna fuck with that kinda stuff, PETA. Yeah, I'm talkin to you. I'm ready to go Sissy-Spacek all up in your shit.

I mean, I'm not gonna be a sissy, but... well, you follow me.

Anyways, PETA aside, I do think it was a little unnecessary for the cops to shoot Travis. Seriously, they know you can just treat Lyme disease with amoxicillin, right? I mean, Christ, when kids show up with sore throats, the doctor doesn't pull a snub nose out of his boot and let loose on the diseased little fucker.

But regardless, that's done with. We here at Beast Duels would like to wish the woman well on her recovery. We also hope that she doesn't let this horrible, unfortunate incident affect her psychologically for the rest of her life. We don't want her going around with a chimp on her shoulder***.

That's all folks. I'll catch you guys later.
--Nick

*Lyme disease, dummies
**I'm just using these terms so that my medical knowledge will for once actually be put to use.
***I'm hilarious.

The Swarm

Let's talk about bees again.

Bees are a fucking Beast Dueling goldmine. They're small, they can fly, and they live almost everywhere*. I mean, the list goes on and on.

And they're evil. Real fucking evil. Remember what they did to that kid in My Girl?



THEY FUCKING KILLED HIM. A child! Bees murdered a fucking child. I never saw Akeelah and the Bee, but I'm sure they kill the little girl in that too.



Seriously, people talk about how evil Jack the Ripper was, but all that dude did was strangle whores. I mean, c'mon, who hasn't been with a whore and wanted to choke 'em a little bit. That guy just had the cajones to act on his convictions.

But children? For shame, bees. For shame.

I mean, for chrissakes, even Wu Tang has known about bees for over ten years.



We have to be on the alert people. I'm pretty worried here, because if the bees smarten up, we might be seeing this on the front page of the New York Times.

The Duelers: Bees vs. The World

The Duel: Battle Royale, a fight to the death

The Victor: Bees

Granted, we'll all be dead so instead of being written in English, it'll be written in fuckin honeycombs or some shit. That's not the point. This is a call to motherfucking arms people. We have to act, and soon. Who knows when the bees will evolve to be able to read the written word. And if and when that day comes, we, as a species, are boned.

Seriously bitches, watch your backs.
--Nick

*that matters