Possum Vs. Possum-sized Cat

This here duel done come from Justin.

That was my southern accent, because he lives in Texas now, and I think the possum's main function in life is being hillbilly food.

I'm not sure why he thought this merited even asking. A cat is basically a tiny version of a lion (check the latin name, fuckbrains).

Compare that to a possum, which is basically an O-less version of an opossum. And christ, c'mon, it's not like the expression is "playing cat". The only thing possums are even known for is being a gigantic, gaping vagina when it comes to confrontation. Except the big one; I call him Bitey.



Compare this to cats-- 9 lives and only killed by beauty. Or curiosity. I always get cats and King Kong confused because they're so fucking badass. And-- if science has taught me anything-- prehensile hands.

So congratulations cats. May no one ever call you a pussy again.

Octopus vs. Crocodile

This duel comes from Natasha's brother's class. And when she said brother, I hope he's in like fucking kindergarten, because no class of a postpubescent age should be dumb enough to think this is even close.

Have you ever seen a crocodile? Sure, they terrorize New York City toilets or something, but christ, they're only like a feet high. They're not like Lake Placcid alligators or some shit. But octopi are such fucking beasts the pleural of their name doesn't even allow the risk of calling them (octo)pussies. And c'mon, the movie wasn't called Megashark vs. Giant Crocodile.



Why is this a question? Do people even fucking read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea anymore? Motherfucking Jules Verne! That might actually have been a squid, but what's the fucking difference anyway.

Aliens

With films like District 9, Avatar, and that movie that cast Sandra Bullock as the romantic lead, 2009 was a great year for humanoid aliens in cinema. But which aliens reign supreme? And thus we have our first Beast Duel of 2010.





"Prawns" vs. the "NA'Vi"
I've decided to discount Sandra Bullock in this argument, as I'm fairly certain that making eye contact with her turns you to stone, and that kind of goes against the spirit of the competition.

Anyways, this battle isn't really about who would win out of giant smurfs with arrows versus jumbo shrimps with lasers. If you look deeper into the metaphors of the films (and thanks for not shoving them down our throats, James Cameron and dude-from-South-Africa), it's really about people of the slums versus tree-hugging hippie douchebags.

It's a pretty obvious winner here. I think I could probably take out an entire Phish concert with a single blow, but I've driven through Detroit once in my life and you're high as hell if you think I'm ever going to that piece of shit excuse for a city again without full-body Kevlar. That place makes the opening 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan look like someone held a Christmas party on a rainbow.

So congrats Prawns, you win. I mean, if you consider having to live in the bad part of South Africa winning.