The Wager

Today's particular duel has invoked much controversy amongst the Akron sect of Beast Duelers, resulting in a wager between one Nicholas Fulton and one Justin Cantoni for the price of $100.

Beast 1: 1,000 Emperor Penguins. Adults are 4' tall and weigh anywhere from 44-99lb. It has a thick coat of feathers insulating its body. Their beaks are sharp enough to poke out eyes of predatory seals.



Beast 2: An adult male Walrus. The Pacific Walrus weighs up to 4,500lb. Thick skin around the neck ranging from 2"-10" and a 6" layer of blubber. Their skin is thick enough such that a grown polar bear has difficulty attacking them, and are in danger of being stabbed by their tusks.



Conditions: Actual-- Justin Cantoni's back yard.

Battle: Battle Royale: last beast standing is victorious over its enemy(ies).

So which group does the edge belong to?

Although some Cantonis are foolish enough to believe it is the walrus, they fail to realize the power of the strength of numbers. Fortunately, I (NF) am 1/2 Asian, and fully aware of the power of numbers, will win Justin's $100.

I know that the movie 300 sucked, but there's a lesson that still should've been learned here.

Assuming that the penguins are even at their lightest, their combined body weight still eclipses the walruses by almost ten-fold. The heaviest penguins will weigh 22x more than the walrus.

The argument made for the walrus is in two parts

1. He has tusks
2. He has thick skin.

Congratulations. It has tusks that can kill some of those penguins in front of it. That's obvious, and the penguins are entering this battle realizing that some of them will have to perish. But the penguins' beaks are sharp enough to stab out eyes. Once the first eye is stabbed, for obvious reasons, the stabbing of the remaining eye will be a much easier task. Once this occurs, the walrus can only flail blindly, tiring itself and slowly await it's fate. At that point, the penguins can afford to wear it down, either by continuing to poke in the eye-regions in an effort to further disorient the walrus (and an attempt-- feeble or not is unknown-- to destroy the brain) or they can attack other areas such as the gut of the walrus with the intention of eviscerating it.

So how likely is a penguin to stab out the eye of a walrus?

Let's be conservative and say that any one penguin has a 1% chance of doing this. That means by the time 100 penguins have been killed, it is statistically likely that one of these penguins will have succeeded in stabbing out an eye. The next eye will therefore be even easier to stab. So let's approximate that by the time 175 penguins have died, the walrus will be eyeless. How is a walrus supposed to-- both blind and in severe pain-- thrash merely its tusks and kill another 825 penguins?

The answer, of course, is that it cannot. It may take 500, 600, or even 922 penguins. But the penguins know that going in, and are prepared to win this duel. They have the heart, the swagger, and the courage to win; even the babies.




They will win this duel, and I will win the wager.

I've decided that with my $100, I'm going to buy March of the Penguins on DVD, autographed by Morgan Freeman.

Til next time, happy hunting.