To Bee or Not To Bee

More like something's rotten in the state of Denmark*.

"Nick, what are you talking about?"

Shut up and I'll tell you. Jesus, it's like you've never read my work before.

Anyways, I don't like to get my news from movies, but in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, Marky Mark notes that all of the bees are disappearing and why this is important.

He's right and he's wrong. Kind of like his decision to become famous, but first doing it via the Funky Bunch. But I digress.

See, bees are important. What what happen to us without bees? We'd be doomed.

"Really?"

Yes motherfucker, sit down and shut up. So here's why we'd be doomed. Without bees there would be no honey. And without honey there'd be no honey nut cheerios. What the hell would we eat for breakfast?

Eggs. Yeah. Then as an entire race, our cholesterol would spike and we'd all die of heart disease. So yes, bees are important you ignorant little twits.

But are they in danger? Are they dying? Fuck no. What Wahlberg and Shyamalan don't seem to understand is that bees are tiny yet efficient killing machines. They can fly and have stingers. I mean, shit, if we had airplanes that had stingers on them, we probably would've won the Vietnam war**.

No, bees aren't in trouble. M. Night Shyamalan's just an idiot***. Of course, Shyamalan being an idiot is a surprise to no one who has seen any of his films that don't start with the words "The Sixth Sense". Seriously, did you people see the Happening****? You know how it ends? I'll tell you. The plants are doing it. Yeah, the plants are killing everyone. Plants.

I can keep saying it, but it doesn't make it any less retarded. Plants.

Shyamalan should be ashamed of himself. He should start paying back the American people $7.75 at a time.

Psh. Plants killing bees. That's idiotic. They NEED bees to fucking live. Ever heard of pollination Shyamalan? Or did you miss that day of 6th grade biology because that's when you wrote the Village*****. I don't think Shyamalan has enough respect for the bees. Which is why our first duel regarding bees will be as such:

The Duel: M Night Shyamalan vs. his weight in bees.

I'm going to assume that M's weight is about 130 lb. Yes, I'm assuming this grown man weighs as much as I did when I was 15. If he has a problem with it, I'm willing to fight him again. Spoiler alert: I kicked his ass the first time. He actually based Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable on me. I'd recommend you go see it just for that, but I wouldn't do that to you. That is Samuel L Jackson's worst movie ever. And yes, I'm aware of the significance that has.

I'd spell out the rest of the duel for you, but let's be honest, 18 bees would kick the shit out of M Night Shyamalan. 130 pounds of bees is pretty unnecessary here.

I'll catch up with you all soon. We have a lot of work to do.
--Nick


*That's Shakespeare bitches, try to keep up.
**I'm looking at you, Lyndon B. Johnson.
***Did you know Night isn't even his real middle name? What a douche.
****I didn't. But that's because I'm a relatively smart person. You have yet to prove yourself.
*****I will never see this film. Spoiler: it takes place in current time, not 100 years ago. Seriously.

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

Don Addis said that. I don't know who the fuck this Don character is, or what king got stabbed to death with pitchforks by his countrymen and made him the fucking leader of the free world and telling me what to do, but I for one don't like it. Not one goddamn bit.

Beastduels won't stand for being told what to do. No, Mr. Addis, you cocksucking snake in the grass. We're gonna fight back. Which brings us to our next duel.

The competitors: A snake vs. a mouse

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Hold up. A snake versus a mouse? Seriously? Some of you might be saying to yourselves "this is pointless. A snake could never lose to a mouse." Well you'd be right.

And by right I mean retarded, shut the fuck up and let me finish.

The duel: The classic fight to the death.

The arena: Cage match.

So this Addis dickhead is saying to never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. But what about if you're up against a snake? Didn't think of that, did you Addis?! Yeah, fuck you. Maybe if you'd done some better research you wouldn't be retired.

So what does the snake have going for it? They're bendy. They're evil. They have creepy eyes. Sam Jackson made a movie about them being on an airplane. Seems like the complete package, amirite?

Wrong. Snakes don't have arms or legs, idiots. How the fuck could that defeat anything? Ever see the movie Anaconda?



Neither did I, it looked fucking terrible. Who wants to see a movie about some worm killing people too dumb to punch and kick? If I wanted that, I'd watch fucking Gandhi.

The advantage is clearly mouse here. Don't believe me?

Really?

You don't believe me. C'mon, you faithful moronic sheep readers of mine, have I ever led you astray? Besides that one time?

No, I haven't. The proof is in the pudding. I don't know what that means, so I'll just post a picture.



The mouse wins. But this isn't just a victory for the mouse; no, this is far greater than that. This is a victory for all of us as Americans. Nay, as human beings. Our victory against Don Addis. Don't ever fucking tell us not to be something again, you piece of shit.

Until next time, happy dueling.
--Nick