Polar Bear

Well I was going to go with Natasha's suggestion of Moose vs. Waterbuffalo, but I'm pretty sure a water buffalo isn't a real animal. Buffalo can barely survive on the plains, I don't think they'd handle living in the ocean very well.

So fortunately for you readers, there's been a pretty awesome breakthrough in the news. I guess in some European country called Berlin, a fat woman* decided to jump the fence into the polar bear's area where she was bitten several times on the arms and legs.



Now, there are a few things I feel the need to point out.

First of all, they're in fucking Berlin and all they have is a fence keeping her out? Isn't the entire city just a giant goddamn wall? I honestly know zero other things about Berlin. Maybe they have a good football team or something, I don't really give a shit. But for chrissake, if you're a nation that is clearly full of people with psychotic tendencies, you should probably have something separating them from thousand pound carnivores that I couldn't have jumped over when I was eight.

Okay, secondly, didn't this bitch see when Will Ferrell goes in the bear pit in Anchorman? I mean, I know the movie wasn't funny at all unless you were really, really high. Or are retarded or something. I swear to christ, every time the word trident is ever brought up some asshole recites half of the fucking script. I'd kill myself if I ever took a Greek mythology class.

So I tried to find the youtube clip from that scene, and I couldn't do it. But I found this instead.

Seriously, Will Ferrell? Are there that few jokes out that you have to put a bear in every one of your fucking movies? I never saw that piece of shit Semi-Pro, but I'm honestly shocked that anyone would go through the trouble of hiring a bear just to recycle a shitty joke. Land of the Lost will probably have prehistoric bears in it too. Goddamn.

But I digress. Back to that tubby bitch from the zoo. I think the Two Jacks in the Hole said it best when they said that the real people to blame here is the Coca-Cola company.




Yeah, "always cool". Motherfuckers, polar bears eviscerate people. Not everything's all cuddles and playtime. I mean, sometimes polar bears need a buddy just like anyone else.



Fucking adorable right? That shit should be made into a poster and FedExed to the Middle East.

But sometimes they get hungry or mad that fat chicks are trying to crash in their zoo-pad. Then what happens?



Yeah, carnage happens motherfuckers. They shoulda just let that fat sloppy bitch defend for herself. They probably would've saved hundreds of dollars on fish or fucking seal meat over the next week.

I'm just glad nothing happened to the bear. He coulda gotten fucked by the 5-0 like that monkey with Lyme disease.

So cheers to you bear. You've done something I've always wanted to do: kick the shit out of a fat woman.

Til next time,
Nick

*eeeew

Penguin v. turtle, Dinosaur Jr.

So I just saw Dinosaur Jr. play at Musica in Akron and my ears are still ringing. A couple brief duels:

Dinosaur Jr vs. the hair cells of my Organ of Corti: Dinosaur Jr. Not close. I'll never hear the same again.

Dinosaur Jr vs. electricity: for a brief five minutes, Dinosaur Jr. managed to defeat everything that Ben Franklin taught us about electricity by defeating it with J Mascis' face-melting guitar solos.



These guys are fucking ridiculous. They've been a band longer than I've been alive. They're old enough to be my parents for chrissake. They shouldn't kick as much ass as they do, but they do it. If you wanna see them covering one of the greatest songs since Bach wrote something that only 80 year olds give a shit about, click here. Disagree at your own peril.

Anyways, after the show we got a crew together at the bar and I brought up the following question to Justin (courtesy of Natasha, balla in the worlds of both poetry and being a spicy little Puerto Rican chica):

What would win in a fight, a turtle or a penguin?

Already knowing the answer, and knowing Justin, I just waited for the ridiculousness to flow. As always, he did not disappoint. He's seriously like the fucking M "Night" Shyamalan of Beast Dueling. After fumbling his words for a little bit, I laid it out simply for him: how the fuck is a turtle gonna beat a penguin?

"But how is a penguin gonna beat a turtle?" you might be thinking. Or you might not, if you have enough brain capacity to, you know, feed and clothe yourself. Or if you're Justin.

Seriously, I hope this guy never procreates, because I'll probably end up being the motherfucker who has to raise the poor little critters. And goddamn do I hate babies. They're disgusting. They're like the same thing as senile old people, only not racist. Or maybe they are, and if they were smart enough to talk they'd say shit like "I think that colored nurse just stole my formula." But they're not smart enough to talk, which is why they're still babies.

Anyways, long and short of it*, I think the fight goes a little something like this:

1. Penguin goes for a face stab
2. Turtle retreats its head into its shell like a little pussy
3. Penguin does some cute shit like build a snowman or something
4. Turtle pops its head back out
5. Penguin goes for another face stab
6. Turtle recoils into its shell, awaiting its fate of being a soup or the subject of the most boring chapter in the history of American literature.
   
7. Turtle starves to death
8. Victory: Penguin.

I mean, what the fuck, turtle. Have some self-respect. Four of the awesomest ninjas ever were your ilk



Wait. That's not right.



Okay, better.

Seriously Yertle. Man the fuck up. That shell isn't for hiding in like a little bitch. It's so you don't die when someone steps on you, or so that you can be turned upside-down and flail around for my amusement. I mean, christ, I just implied that this thing would have no problem destroying you:



Sure, it might beat you in a Being-Adorable-And-Super-Fuzzy Contest and you can't help that. But if it beats you in a battle to the death, that's your own goddamn fault. At least Justin has faith in you.

I'm tired. I gotta go save lives all day tomorrow**
Later bitches,
--Nick

*what the fuck does that saying mean?
**that's right, ladies

Some Spring Cleaning

No duel today, I'm just going to tie up some loose ends.

First of all, I'm gonna point out that you can now follow Beast Duels on Twitter.



I know, it's beyond exciting. It's a must have internet feature if you want to get text updates about my life such as:

• What kind of sandwich I'm eating today
• That I'm feeling sleepy
• My reply to @whoeverthefuck that their youtube link was loltastic

How the fuck can you sleep at night without knowing this kind of vital information? I dare say that you cannot! So stop being an asshole and sign up. And hey, if you seem even remotely interesting, maybe I'll follow you too.

Since I'm mentioning the e-Community, I'm calling out all of my fellow duelers. That's right, I'm talking to you, kid with the kind of lazy eye that everyone has been too nice to ever make fun of you for.

I can't come up with all of these awesome duels on my own. Sometimes I need assistance from people who give me brilliant duel opportunities (Cir, Nate) or people who have no idea what they're talking about and need to be put in their place (Justin, Jake). So if you have an idea for a duel, leave me a comment or send me your idea on Twitter or facebook. And hey, if I use your idea, I'll even reimburse you for a small % of the revenue this site makes.



One last thing I wanted to bring up is that it's been brought to my attention that maybe having such a scathingly incendiary blog as this one may be detrimental in my future career as a doctor. See, apparently places of employment are scoping out potential employees, scouring through their facebooks, myspaces and blogs, looking to see if the person they're about to hire is a borderline alcoholic or Satan worshiper or something. So if anyone asks, my name is Todd and I go to OSU.

I think that whole thing sounds kind of paranoid anyway. Of course, it was my mom who told me about it, so it probably is just pretty paranoid.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, my mother reads Beast Duels. Which is kind of uncomfortable, knowing that she's read posts about me wanting to have a 3way with Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. But at the same time...



...look at how hot she is. It would be an insult to Megan* if I didn't mention wanting to hit that.

Shit, I would do horrible, horrible things to sleep with her. Unforgivable things. Nations would crumble. I'm not proud**.

I can't believe Shia-LeBouf-or-however-the-fuck-you-spell-it got to make out with her. Remember Transformers? The movie about alien robots flying to earth to take over our machines, where mechanical creatures morph into cell phones and giant cube-things control their lives? Well even with all of that shit, the most unrealistic part of the movie was that a hottie like Megan Fox would ever go for a geeky douche like Shia.

Unfuckingbelievable.

Man. Now I'm kinda pissed off. Somebody give me a duel to cheer me up.
--Nick

*First name basis.
**I would be really, really fucking proud.