Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sam Jackson, eat your heart out

This is just awesome:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8327213.stm?ls

In the most ridiculous attempt at life-imitates-art, a dude straps a dozen snakes to his body and boards an airplane.



This shit is like the beginning of that Indiana Jones movie.



Of course, his complete lack of running-a-terrorist-organization and trying-to-kill-the-sole-witness-in-the-trial-to-convict-you-of-murder makes him a lot less badass that Hawaiian dude in Snakes on a Plane.

Somewhere, Christina Ricci is just glad this dude didn't want to recreate Black Snake Moan. And considering how fucking retarded that movie looked, so am I.

Til next time,
NF

Thursday, October 15, 2009

An Open Letter to President Barack Obama, Courtesy of Beast Duels

Hello,

I am here today not as the god and master of all that is Beast-Dueling, but as a concerned American citizen.

President Obama, there are some events in our nation's recent history that still have not been properly handled. Horrifying and gruesome events that still leave Americans upset and on edge. A tragedy that, even when unspoken of, still lingers in the back of our minds.

I remember when I first witnessed it like it was yesterday. The traumatic event is still crisp in my mind, as I am sure it is in everyone's. I recall turning on the television and reeling in horror. Why would anyone do this? I am aware that the perception of America by other nations around the world is of a country full of greed and corruption; a society of idle godless heathens willing to tear down weaker countries just to save a few cents per gallon of gas. But what had we done to deserve this?

And yet, so little has been done since that time. So little has been done to find the true culprits and bring them to justice. Many feel that something far more sinister than even meets the eye may have occurred, as conspiracy theorists are want to suggest. But I have more faith than that. I believe in America.

But, Mr. President, there is no denying that far too little has been done to right the injustices that we have suffered as Americans-- nay, as human beings. Some say "never forget," but I for one would like to have the issue settled and put to rest so that I may at last reach peace and perhaps be able to forget, even if for a moment.

President Obama, you were elected on a platform of change; Yes We Can was the battle cry of millions a short few months ago. So why are we still waiting?

I ask you, beg you, Mr. President, we need and demand change. If you spoke the truth, if your favorite film really is The Godfather, then why have you not erased all available records of The Godfather Part III from ever existing? Seriously, that movie sucks giant fucking dick.

A faithful American citizen who still has hope,
NF

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

No time to fuck around people, let's get right to it:

Man vs. Jellyfish


You all know jellyfish, right?



They look pretty harmless and lame, but supposedly they can pack a ridiculous poison. Either that or that slutty girl I met just had me piss on her for fun. Also, how do you get stung by a jellyfish when you're hanging out behind a Denny's?

Anyways. Remember the movie Sphere? That wonderful thinkpiece with Samuel L Jackson and Sharon Stone? Yeah, it was awful, but at least it had Queen Latifah getting mauled by a few hundred jellyfish.

But aside from a magical giant circle from space, that movie was mostly fiction. Can a jellyfish really kill a person?

I'm going to say yes, and here's why. How the fuck do you kill a jellyfish? At first I was thinking you could dry it out by pouring salt on it like a snail, but christ, it lives in fucking salt water. What else would you do, punch it? That'd be like punching a marshmallow. Marshmallows cannot be killed. Shit, you can even put some peeps in the microwave and they're just encouraged to fight it out.



Fuck that. I mean, some types of jellyfish are called man o' wars. Man himself isn't even named that. They just fucking one-up us in title alone.

I'm staying out of jellyfishes way. Because they might kill me and that'd suck, but the worst part would be dying at the hands of something that was named after part of a sandwich.

Later bitches,
NF