These are fan-fics of famous literature I want to read:
Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finngerbang
Joyce's U-Lick-these
Nabakov's Blowlita
Heller's Snatch-22
George Orwell's 1969
Dostoevsky's The Brothers Came-amazov
David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Chest
Melville's Black Moby Dick
Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Cunt (and in a similar vein, Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Cunter)
Margaret Atwood's The Handjob's Tale
Thomas Hardy's Lewd the Obscure
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Poon Hound of the Baskervilles
Flaubert's Madame Ovary
Burgess' A Cockwork Orange
Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Alabian Nights
Dickens' Great Sexpectations
Hemingway's For Whom the Balls Toll
Feel free to add your own
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Chewbacca vs. Five Averagely Strengthed People
We all know Chewbacca, right? The tall thing who looks vaguely like Bigfoot, but also kinda something from a beef jerky commercial? So let's take Chewbacca (of Star Wars fame) and pit him against some people.
Why Chewbacca, you may ask. How about because he's one of the most badass creatures in film history. Want proof? He makes being a wookiee sound fearful. A wookiee. Compare this to that cocktard pussy Russell Brand who ~wrote something and called it My Booky Wook.
Ugh. Seriously? Fuck that grimy British piece of shit. I bet that dude constantly smells like soup. Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming. Fuck you. The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.
So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength. I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand. Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough. Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.
Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans
This is clearly Chewbacca. I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...
1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it
Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity. He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem. The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing.
Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity: he would fuck that shit up.
Peace
--NLF
 |
| What a wookiee! |
Ugh. Seriously? Fuck that grimy British piece of shit. I bet that dude constantly smells like soup. Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming. Fuck you. The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.
So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength. I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand. Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough. Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.
 |
| CGI is a hell of a drug |
Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans
This is clearly Chewbacca. I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...
1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it
Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity. He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem. The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing.
Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity: he would fuck that shit up.
Peace
--NLF
Friday, February 11, 2011
Not a duel: Gun Rant
Since there aren't enough duels in the world to conduct, and since I need to rant so much that not even the idiots in real life and professional retards I'm friends with on Facebook can satiate me, I'm going to expand the Beast Duels blog a bit.
So let's get started with...
Gun Rant
You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?
How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?
People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...
Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.
So let's get started with...
Gun Rant
You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?
How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?
People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...
If movies have taught me anything (and with the amount I've seen, how could they not), the only way to kill someone with your hands is by putting a pillow over their face for thirty seconds. I'm skeptical as to whether that shit is real though-- otherwise, I think that would mean that falling asleep on your stomach is technically attempted suicide. Aside from that, hands are just tools for pulling triggers and something about sex.
In Baltimore today, more gang-related turf battles leave three gang members and two civilians dead after a drive-by Judo chopping.
Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.
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