Let me start off by stating that all of the 3 very
non-fictional characters in today's duel are unlikely to ever battle one another. They're all technically on the same side; the fight against tyranny, oppression, and villains with either bad accents or bad mustaches.
So, to begin our analysis...
James Bond
Pros:
- Gets all the ladies
- Drives fancy cars
- Is British and shit
Drawbacks: too dependent on flashy gadgets. When he's left without gadgets, he ends up getting his junk smashed repeatedly with soap-on-a-rope by this lazy-eyed dork:
He also has to deal with stupid women with names like Christmas and Pussy. He was also played by this guy (can't even post
the picture on this website, out of shame)
Jason Bourne:
Pros:
- Knows how far he could run, given a known altitude
- Access to a few dozen different passports
- I'm pretty sure he ends up owning a surf shop, but I might be thinking of Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption
Drawbacks: His claim to fame is that he's forgotten a bunch of shit. That's not exactly a trait I hold highly for international men of mystery. I've had bouts of retrograde amnesia too; it's called fucking college.
I mean, christ, I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast and I've only been awake a couple hours. Shit, if forgetting stuff makes you just shy of a superhero every senior citizen would be running around in a fucking cape.
John McClane
Pros:
- Defeats broken glass merely with his feet
- Killed Severus Snape
- Coined the following...
Drawbacks: He's basically a regular cop, he's broke with no friends or family, and is kind of an asshole. Or as I like to call it, "he's a cop".
Still, the fact that he has 1) no money 2) no Q to give him gadgets and 3) doesn't have to go to the abortion of a continent that is Europe makes John an easy winner here.
Plus, his daughter looks like this...
...but still managed to be kind of badass in Live Free or Die Hard.
