Two Raccoons vs Three Snapping Turtles

This duel is courtesy of Nate Kellogg.

The majestic raccoon, of the family Procyonidae and the species lotor is essentially known for two things; being rabid and eating garbage.  It's the hobo of the animal kingdom.



Per the American Journal of Psychology, they have the capacity for abstract thought and have been shown to learn at the rate of Rhesus monkeys, which makes them slightly smarter than most of the Firestone graduates I saw at the bar last night.

The snapping turtle, measuring up to 20" in length, is fucked.  What is it gonna do to a raccoon, lurch it to death?  I know that the moral of that fable was "slow and steady wins the race."  You know what moral the hare should've taken away?

Don't be an asshole.

Jesus.  How is a turtle even able to attack a raccoon?  All it has to do is not put its claws directly in the turtle's face.  Then, boom, flip it on its back and it's horsefucked. That shell is supposed to be protective, but how is it gonna flip back before getting eviscerated? It's his Achilles's shell.  The only hope the turtles have is to find some mutagen, a sword and nunchuks. Without that, even a bird could beat these helpless bumblefucks.

I don't even think the second raccoon need involve himself.  He could just sit back, relax and be voiced by Bruce Willis.

Everyone knows these creatures are an indomitable force of destruction, wreaking physical havoc on our bodies and emotional trauma on our souls, which is why Sylvester Stallone named that boxer after the raccoon in the Beatle's song. And, speaking of, I have to point out that I've heard college girls perform Rocky Raccoon via the artistic medium of the karaoke, and christ has Gideon's Bible never sounded so unappealing. Shrieking wenches.

So congratulations raccoons, you win this duel.  May all of my neighbors forget to fasten the lids of their garbage cans so that you can enjoy your victory bounty.   And you readery people, send me some Beast Duels suggestions here and I will do them, regardless of quality.

Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

This week's duel is courtesy of Jake Kellogg.

Osama Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

For the sake of argument, let's say this fight is these guys going head to head while they're in their prime. A real "who would win, Ali or Tyson" type battle but with more killing of infidels. Plus, there's not much sense in doing a modern day fight with these two. A lifeless body with shattered neck vertebrae against a buoyant corpse all bloated with ocean water just seems to be in poor taste, even for me.

So Saddam, early 90s

Versus Osama, sometime in the middle of the year 2001. Can't remember the exact date.

Just looking at the movies these eras inspired should give Saddam an easy victory here. I mean, Three Kings was so good, even Mark Wahlberg isn't horrible in it. Compare that to the Nic Cage World Trade Center movie.

First of all, and I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but fuck Nic Cage. I know people are worried about CERN and Higgs bosons and shit, but if Cage and M. Night Shayamalan ever collaborate the universe might actually fucking implode.

Second of all, that movie was made in the year 2006. They really only waited five cocking years to exploit that shit? Even Michael Bay waited 70 years to make Pearl Harbor. I mean, what's fucking next? Is Gary Marshall gonna make a movie with Gwenyth Paltrow as Gabrielle Giffords and Ashton Kutcher as that astronaut?

Anyways, I don't really see Osama imposing to much of a physical threat. The guy had been on dialysis since the fucking cold war. All Saddam would have to do is turn the power off at Osama's for a few days and he'd end up getting to fluid-overloaded he'd technically be a beverage. And Hussein just kinda looked like a bad-ass. No one has a mustache like that for that long without knowing how to kill a man using only his hands.

So congrats to Saddam, this week's winner.  Hope to see you soon in the Arrested Development movie.