The majestic raccoon, of the family Procyonidae and the species lotor is essentially known for two things; being rabid and eating garbage. It's the hobo of the animal kingdom.
Per the American Journal of Psychology, they have the capacity for abstract thought and have been shown to learn at the rate of Rhesus monkeys, which makes them slightly smarter than most of the Firestone graduates I saw at the bar last night.
The snapping turtle, measuring up to 20" in length, is fucked. What is it gonna do to a raccoon, lurch it to death? I know that the moral of that fable was "slow and steady wins the race." You know what moral the hare should've taken away?
Don't be an asshole.
Jesus. How is a turtle even able to attack a raccoon? All it has to do is not put its claws directly in the turtle's face. Then, boom, flip it on its back and it's horsefucked. That shell is supposed to be protective, but how is it gonna flip back before getting eviscerated? It's his Achilles's shell. The only hope the turtles have is to find some mutagen, a sword and nunchuks. Without that, even a bird could beat these helpless bumblefucks.
I don't even think the second raccoon need involve himself. He could just sit back, relax and be voiced by Bruce Willis.
Everyone knows these creatures are an indomitable force of destruction, wreaking physical havoc on our bodies and emotional trauma on our souls, which is why Sylvester Stallone named that boxer after the raccoon in the Beatle's song. And, speaking of, I have to point out that I've heard college girls perform Rocky Raccoon via the artistic medium of the karaoke, and christ has Gideon's Bible never sounded so unappealing. Shrieking wenches.
So congratulations raccoons, you win this duel. May all of my neighbors forget to fasten the lids of their garbage cans so that you can enjoy your victory bounty. And you readery people, send me some Beast Duels suggestions here and I will do them, regardless of quality.
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