In Episode 16 of the Beast Duels Radio Hour, Nick, Kyle, Cir and Mike discuss badass murderers and creepy, horrible people known as Assassins. How many questions do you think they answer? Is there a difference between Assassins and Hitmen? Are there really people in skintight leather outfits shooting people in the face from hundreds of yards away like O-Ren Ishii? Are the real Assassins goofy, nobodies like Mark David Chapman? We hire out Anton Chigurh to Assassinate Emperor Palpatine and run play-by-play on the live feed from space in this weeks Beast Duel. The show wraps in a hail of bullets as they discuss the Top Five Movie Shootouts. 0:00: Intro
00:43: Assassins
The gang talks the best movie assassins, and the difference between assassins and hit-men.
12:59: Beast Duel
Anton Chigurh vs The Emperor
20:41: Top Five Shootouts In Movies Ever
The Gang talks Shootouts, man crushes on Clive Owen, and Jason Statham and we ruin movies for you on Beast Duels Radio Hour
Check out episode 12, where we talk
- Evil Children, and what makes them so dangerous
- Who would win, You vs. 100 5-year olds
- Top 5 Movies We'll Make Our Children Watch (except for Themos, who will make his kids watch shit that will scar them for years to come)
I guess this list is a week or so late, but whatevsos. Top 10 list, here we go.
10. Doug Benson - Potty Mouth
Doug Benson smokes a lot of weed. Recorded on April 20th, Benson's fourth album comprises stories about CNN, movies, television and twitter -- all through the dry, red eyes of a pothead. I guess he's kind of like John Howard Griffin in that way. Bonus: the CD comes with all six episodes of The Benson Interruption that aired on Comedy Central.
9. Wyatt Cenac - Comedy Person
Wyatt Cenac, know by many as The Daily Shows expert in all things black, makes a strong debut stand-up album. Whether discussing how to "hipster hipster" or why not owning a TV makes you a douche, Cenac's record is consistent with the laughs. Though not political per se, he manages to tackle social issues and constructs while sounding way less pretentious than I do by even mentioning it. He also reminds me a lot of my black friend Cir, which is a huge compliment and maybe racist.
8. Brian Regan - All By Myself
Consistently funny, Brian Regan has developed into one of the most prolific of modern day comedians, regularly selling out theater-sized shows. Ashtonishingly, he manages to pull this off with an entirely clean set, void of blue humor and profanity. He doesn't even say cunt like once in the whole album. I think I like that his comedic sensibilities are just like mine.
It must be noted, of course, there is one tragic downside to this album. Whenever I say the title, I end up with that fucking Eric Carmen song stuck in my head for a goddamn hour.
7. Mike Birbiglia - Sleepwalk With Me
Mike Birbiglia is unique among most stand-ups in that he doesn't really tell jokes; his style is more of a raconteur monologist telling painfully personal stories in humorous ways. The NPR This American Life contributor covers his history of bladder cancer, sleep-fighting dream-jackals and nearly hemorrhaging out as a result of it, and his accidental engagement. He also wrote a book of the same name if that's your cup of tea. And if you're reading this, it's not.
6. Marc Maron - This Has To Be Funny
One would think having a breakout podcast propelling you to fame and New York Times pieces might allay some self-loathing, but apparently not. Still "panicky and weird" from the jump, Maron continues to find the humor in neurosis and a crippling sense of self-worth. Whether it be his mother admitting to not being able to love him as an infant or the braintrust behind the creation museum, Maron's fourth comedy record is a definite must-listen. Be sure to also check out his podcast, where he twice weekly talks with comedians and accuses them of being miserable, talentless, joke-stealing hacks.
Completely and totally unrelated, here's a Morgan Murphy video.
Aaaaaaaaaaand back to Maron:
5. Amy Schumer - Cutting
Oddly cute (the first auto-fill that pops up on google when looking for album artwork is "amy schumer hot") yet heinously offensive, Amy Schumer's debut album is very reminiscent of her ex-boyfriend Anthony Jeselnik's Shakespeare (quite possibly the #1 album of last year). In tackling topics ranging from bedding high-schoolers to incredibly uncomfortable eponymous anti-joke, Schumer blah blah blah pseudophilosophical rant about can women be funny. Yes they can, if their jokes were sexually transmitted by Anthony Jeselnik.
4. Doug Stanhope - Oslo/Burning the Bridge to Nowhere
I don't think I'd be breaking new ground to say that Doug Stanhope is the closest we have to a modern-day Bill Hicks. Angry, offensive, and unashamed of his own degenerate tendencies, Stanhope continues to bring the comedy he's infamous for. Even after nine albums, he doesn't show signs of slowing down. In fact, he seems to be speeding up by including a tirade that included fantasizing about torturing and murdering his own audience members. I bet in real life, this dude would be kind of unpleasant to be around.
3. Tig Notaro - Good One
There's someone about Tig Notato where no matter what she says, I laugh my ass off. The title of her album- not even referenced in its content- is an impression she does that is simply a robot replying to people's jokes. She manages to balance story-telling (multiple encounters with a singer who I don't even know named Taylor Dane), observational humor (babies with fat, fat thighs but stupid little one inch feet) to the absurd. For more of the absurd, watch the second half of the video below (along with bonus Paul F. Tompkins appearance in the background)
2. Rory Scovel - Dilation
I don't know where this fucking guy came from, but it's a land of ridiculous hilarity so potent that I might now be sterile. Whether he's talking about driving on mushrooms being like flying a spaceship or making awesomely racist jokes about Precious or fighting Chinese kids (which make me totally guilt-free about laughing about the Precious jokes), this album is absolutely an instant classic. Though I have no idea why he named it what he did.
Here's a clip of him and another comedian Jon Dore on Conan doing one of the most bizarre bits I've ever seen.
1. Louis C. K. - Hilarious
What can be said about Louis that hasn't been said? If Live at the Beacon Theater was a comedy album and not just a video that sold hundreds of thousands of copies within a week, he'd have two items on this list. Louis is this generation's best comedian, and Hilarious is some of his best work. Not only did Louis, a Mexican with an unpronounceable real last name, manage two great comedy specials last year, but also managed to create/write/star in the 2nd season of an Emmy-award nominated TV show. He's like the Orson Welles of dick jokes.
This is one of my favorite Louis bits ever, despite how hypocritical it is because goddamn do I hate everything about being on an airplane.
The majestic raccoon, of the family Procyonidae and the species lotor is essentially known for two things; being rabid and eating garbage. It's the hobo of the animal kingdom.
Per the American Journal of Psychology, they have the capacity for abstract thought and have been shown to learn at the rate of Rhesus monkeys, which makes them slightly smarter than most of the Firestone graduates I saw at the bar last night.
The snapping turtle, measuring up to 20" in length, is fucked. What is it gonna do to a raccoon, lurch it to death? I know that the moral of that fable was "slow and steady wins the race." You know what moral the hare should've taken away?
Don't be an asshole.
Jesus. How is a turtle even able to attack a raccoon? All it has to do is not put its claws directly in the turtle's face. Then, boom, flip it on its back and it's horsefucked. That shell is supposed to be protective, but how is it gonna flip back before getting eviscerated? It's his Achilles's shell. The only hope the turtles have is to find some mutagen, a sword and nunchuks. Without that, even a bird could beat these helpless bumblefucks.
I don't even think the second raccoon need involve himself. He could just sit back, relax and be voiced by Bruce Willis.
Everyone knows these creatures are an indomitable force of destruction, wreaking physical havoc on our bodies and emotional trauma on our souls, which is why Sylvester Stallone named that boxer after the raccoon in the Beatle's song. And, speaking of, I have to point out that I've heard college girls perform Rocky Raccoon via the artistic medium of the karaoke, and christ has Gideon's Bible never sounded so unappealing. Shrieking wenches.
So congratulations raccoons, you win this duel. May all of my neighbors forget to fasten the lids of their garbage cans so that you can enjoy your victory bounty. And you readery people, send me some Beast Duels suggestions here and I will do them, regardless of quality.
For the sake of argument, let's say this fight is these guys going head to head while they're in their prime. A real "who would win, Ali or Tyson" type battle but with more killing of infidels. Plus, there's not much sense in doing a modern day fight with these two. A lifeless body with shattered neck vertebrae against a buoyant corpse all bloated with ocean water just seems to be in poor taste, even for me.
So Saddam, early 90s
Versus Osama, sometime in the middle of the year 2001. Can't remember the exact date.
Just looking at the movies these eras inspired should give Saddam an easy victory here. I mean, Three Kings was so good, even Mark Wahlberg isn't horrible in it. Compare that to the Nic Cage World Trade Center movie.
First of all, and I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but fuck Nic Cage. I know people are worried about CERN and Higgs bosons and shit, but if Cage and M. Night Shayamalan ever collaborate the universe might actually fucking implode.
Second of all, that movie was made in the year 2006. They really only waited five cocking years to exploit that shit? Even Michael Bay waited 70 years to make Pearl Harbor. I mean, what's fucking next? Is Gary Marshall gonna make a movie with Gwenyth Paltrow as Gabrielle Giffords and Ashton Kutcher as that astronaut?
Anyways, I don't really see Osama imposing to much of a physical threat. The guy had been on dialysis since the fucking cold war. All Saddam would have to do is turn the power off at Osama's for a few days and he'd end up getting to fluid-overloaded he'd technically be a beverage. And Hussein just kinda looked like a bad-ass. No one has a mustache like that for that long without knowing how to kill a man using only his hands.
So congrats to Saddam, this week's winner. Hope to see you soon in the Arrested Development movie.
Topical! And stream of consciousnessy, just for the ferk of it.
Fuck. It actually takes the rape of young boys for Rick Santorum to no longer be the most despicable person in Pennsylvania. Congrats, Jerry Sandusky, for creating a charity for troubled male youths. I'm sure they considered not being anally violated in a shitty college's locker room to be their biggest conflict in life, so I'm glad you were able to help them work through those issues.
At least he didn't call it "Fisted"
Can you believe this book is a real thing? Fucking seriously? And with that finger? Mother fucking Theresa it's like he was bragging about it. He's like the Little Prostate Exam That Could.
<insert Hershey highway joke here. Too hack to bother writing>
It is kind of refreshing to see some sexual assault not being performed by a Red Sox fan.
Remember that time that there was that one organization that covered up all those young boys being raped? There was that big backlash when that one guy was fired? The boss who oversaw it all, I think it was. What was his name... The pope. No wait, he wasn't fired. From what I can tell, sodomy is alright as long as you're using rosary beads for your sex toys.
Look, I know football is retarded, but I generally give people enough credit to realize that winning some college cunting football games is just the teeniest, tiniest skosh little bit less significant than allowing a dozen boys getting Deliveranced by a guy old enough to be Moses' fucking babysitter. 400 wins, Joe Paterno? Fuck off, man. That's only ten wins per alleged sexual assault. Come back to me when you've won at least 500. Shit, Cy Young won over 500 games, he didn't cover up any pedarasts. We better all feel lucky that dude's been dead half a century or he could go on quite the fucking tear.
All that being said, Roman Polanski is a great fucking director.
Speaking of people we shouldn't have been surprised about...
