Penguin v. turtle, Dinosaur Jr.

So I just saw Dinosaur Jr. play at Musica in Akron and my ears are still ringing. A couple brief duels:

Dinosaur Jr vs. the hair cells of my Organ of Corti: Dinosaur Jr. Not close. I'll never hear the same again.

Dinosaur Jr vs. electricity: for a brief five minutes, Dinosaur Jr. managed to defeat everything that Ben Franklin taught us about electricity by defeating it with J Mascis' face-melting guitar solos.



These guys are fucking ridiculous. They've been a band longer than I've been alive. They're old enough to be my parents for chrissake. They shouldn't kick as much ass as they do, but they do it. If you wanna see them covering one of the greatest songs since Bach wrote something that only 80 year olds give a shit about, click here. Disagree at your own peril.

Anyways, after the show we got a crew together at the bar and I brought up the following question to Justin (courtesy of Natasha, balla in the worlds of both poetry and being a spicy little Puerto Rican chica):

What would win in a fight, a turtle or a penguin?

Already knowing the answer, and knowing Justin, I just waited for the ridiculousness to flow. As always, he did not disappoint. He's seriously like the fucking M "Night" Shyamalan of Beast Dueling. After fumbling his words for a little bit, I laid it out simply for him: how the fuck is a turtle gonna beat a penguin?

"But how is a penguin gonna beat a turtle?" you might be thinking. Or you might not, if you have enough brain capacity to, you know, feed and clothe yourself. Or if you're Justin.

Seriously, I hope this guy never procreates, because I'll probably end up being the motherfucker who has to raise the poor little critters. And goddamn do I hate babies. They're disgusting. They're like the same thing as senile old people, only not racist. Or maybe they are, and if they were smart enough to talk they'd say shit like "I think that colored nurse just stole my formula." But they're not smart enough to talk, which is why they're still babies.

Anyways, long and short of it*, I think the fight goes a little something like this:

1. Penguin goes for a face stab
2. Turtle retreats its head into its shell like a little pussy
3. Penguin does some cute shit like build a snowman or something
4. Turtle pops its head back out
5. Penguin goes for another face stab
6. Turtle recoils into its shell, awaiting its fate of being a soup or the subject of the most boring chapter in the history of American literature.
   
7. Turtle starves to death
8. Victory: Penguin.

I mean, what the fuck, turtle. Have some self-respect. Four of the awesomest ninjas ever were your ilk



Wait. That's not right.



Okay, better.

Seriously Yertle. Man the fuck up. That shell isn't for hiding in like a little bitch. It's so you don't die when someone steps on you, or so that you can be turned upside-down and flail around for my amusement. I mean, christ, I just implied that this thing would have no problem destroying you:



Sure, it might beat you in a Being-Adorable-And-Super-Fuzzy Contest and you can't help that. But if it beats you in a battle to the death, that's your own goddamn fault. At least Justin has faith in you.

I'm tired. I gotta go save lives all day tomorrow**
Later bitches,
--Nick

*what the fuck does that saying mean?
**that's right, ladies