Polar Bear

Well I was going to go with Natasha's suggestion of Moose vs. Waterbuffalo, but I'm pretty sure a water buffalo isn't a real animal. Buffalo can barely survive on the plains, I don't think they'd handle living in the ocean very well.

So fortunately for you readers, there's been a pretty awesome breakthrough in the news. I guess in some European country called Berlin, a fat woman* decided to jump the fence into the polar bear's area where she was bitten several times on the arms and legs.



Now, there are a few things I feel the need to point out.

First of all, they're in fucking Berlin and all they have is a fence keeping her out? Isn't the entire city just a giant goddamn wall? I honestly know zero other things about Berlin. Maybe they have a good football team or something, I don't really give a shit. But for chrissake, if you're a nation that is clearly full of people with psychotic tendencies, you should probably have something separating them from thousand pound carnivores that I couldn't have jumped over when I was eight.

Okay, secondly, didn't this bitch see when Will Ferrell goes in the bear pit in Anchorman? I mean, I know the movie wasn't funny at all unless you were really, really high. Or are retarded or something. I swear to christ, every time the word trident is ever brought up some asshole recites half of the fucking script. I'd kill myself if I ever took a Greek mythology class.

So I tried to find the youtube clip from that scene, and I couldn't do it. But I found this instead.

Seriously, Will Ferrell? Are there that few jokes out that you have to put a bear in every one of your fucking movies? I never saw that piece of shit Semi-Pro, but I'm honestly shocked that anyone would go through the trouble of hiring a bear just to recycle a shitty joke. Land of the Lost will probably have prehistoric bears in it too. Goddamn.

But I digress. Back to that tubby bitch from the zoo. I think the Two Jacks in the Hole said it best when they said that the real people to blame here is the Coca-Cola company.




Yeah, "always cool". Motherfuckers, polar bears eviscerate people. Not everything's all cuddles and playtime. I mean, sometimes polar bears need a buddy just like anyone else.



Fucking adorable right? That shit should be made into a poster and FedExed to the Middle East.

But sometimes they get hungry or mad that fat chicks are trying to crash in their zoo-pad. Then what happens?



Yeah, carnage happens motherfuckers. They shoulda just let that fat sloppy bitch defend for herself. They probably would've saved hundreds of dollars on fish or fucking seal meat over the next week.

I'm just glad nothing happened to the bear. He coulda gotten fucked by the 5-0 like that monkey with Lyme disease.

So cheers to you bear. You've done something I've always wanted to do: kick the shit out of a fat woman.

Til next time,
Nick

*eeeew