Rocky XIV

So I've been doing surgery for the last two months, and the constant sight of blood and guts has made me pretty tranquil. I'd reached some kind of zen-like docility just taking in all of the controlled violence of the ORs. That was ruined today when the radio in one of the rooms played a fucking Sugar Ray song and now I wanna fucking kill someone.

Anyways, I now bring you a Beast Duel recommended ages ago by Jake:

Sylvester Stallone vs. a Gorilla

Of course, when looking at Stallone, it depends on what Stallone you're getting. I mean, with Rocky he really set a precedent that someone who is basically retarded can succeed in an athletic endeavor, and there have been a number of examples since then.





And then there are films like Over the Top, which in my opinion is definitely in the top three arm-wrestling films of all time. Just fantastic work. He also was superb Daylight, where he showed that when you're stuck in a tunnel with Sly, you're not fucking stuck at all. The walls of that bitch were just waiting to crumble underneath his holy grip.

Then there was horseshit like Rocky Balboa, where the character Rocky, a useless, has-been boxer tries to prove to the world that he still has a semblance of worth. Unfortunately, it was played by Sylvester Stallone, a useless, has-been actor trying to prove to the world he still had a semblance of worth.*

So we take an amalgam of these characters and have it go up against a gorrila. I'm thinking somewhere between this:



and this**



So if we take the fucking horrible Peter Jackson version out of the equation, I think gorilla is a clear winner. I mean, I know it's impressive that Rocky Balboa can occasionally win a boxing match, but for fuck's sake, he's never torn down buildings before.

So congratulations gorilla, you deserve it. And I really hope Jake didn't mean "guerillas" or I'm gonna feel pretty stupid for not mentioning First Blood.

Later bitches,
NF

*stole this joke
** or this