Fucking brutal.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa
The following comes courtesy of the Pulitzer Prize winning (maybe?) book Who Would Win: A Guide to Great Imaginary Showdowns.
Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa
Gandhi is famous for ~fighting for Indian independence, not eating, and looking uncomfortably like Ben Kingsley. The guy's really an inspiration. I haven't eaten in like six hours and would definitely succumb to imperialists if I found out my microwave didn't work.
Plus, fuck the British. I had to listen to people talk about that fucking wedding for like six months. I went to a wedding last week that only took 20 minutes and I thought that was boring as hell. It's beyond me why any self-respecting human would get up at 3 in the goddamn morning to watch the wedding of a monarchy we don't even subscribe to.
Christ. Prince William has literally done less to get famous than the fucking Kardashians.
Then there's Mother Teresa. She is a step shy of being canonized after the miracle of curing cancer that 1) probably wasn't even cancer and 2) was being treated medically. Talk about a true divine intervention.
She has also helped the poor by keeping them poor but making them Catholic. She's also notable for being against birth control and abortions, which doesn't really matter because no one would fuck her anyway.
So who would win? Probably Mother Teresa. Gandhi wouldn't survive much more than a fierce head-butting. Plus, she has Edward Norton on her side.
Adios,
Nick
Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa
Gandhi is famous for ~fighting for Indian independence, not eating, and looking uncomfortably like Ben Kingsley. The guy's really an inspiration. I haven't eaten in like six hours and would definitely succumb to imperialists if I found out my microwave didn't work.
Plus, fuck the British. I had to listen to people talk about that fucking wedding for like six months. I went to a wedding last week that only took 20 minutes and I thought that was boring as hell. It's beyond me why any self-respecting human would get up at 3 in the goddamn morning to watch the wedding of a monarchy we don't even subscribe to.
 |
| I feel like someone should point out to the British that their hats are ugly. |
Then there's Mother Teresa. She is a step shy of being canonized after the miracle of curing cancer that 1) probably wasn't even cancer and 2) was being treated medically. Talk about a true divine intervention.
 |
| No, I didn't steal this joke from Bill Hicks |
She has also helped the poor by keeping them poor but making them Catholic. She's also notable for being against birth control and abortions, which doesn't really matter because no one would fuck her anyway.
So who would win? Probably Mother Teresa. Gandhi wouldn't survive much more than a fierce head-butting. Plus, she has Edward Norton on her side.
 |
| "Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger" |
Adios,
Nick
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Horsies!
So yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, which I somehow stumbled upon and got to watch the last couple hundred yards from 30 different fucking vantage points. I get it. The horse crossed the finish line first. It's not gonna fucking change when you switch to the aerial view.
The winner of the 2011 Beast Duels-sponsored Kentucky Derby was called Animal Kingdom, which I'm pretty sure was named after an Australian movie with plot holes so gaping I'm pretty sure they fucking bend light.
When the race ended, the interviewed the winning jockey-- which is a horribly named profession. It's bad enough they're all short and squirrely, but their job doesn't need to conjure up images of goddamn tighty whities. So they're interviewing this short cocksucker and they ask him about his racing strategy.
The jockey. No shit.
His strategy?! "Uh, I sat on the horse. And then... kept doing it." Can't wait for the Lifetime story about that dude. It'll be like A Beautiful Mind Part II.
I can't imagine anything more unnecessary than a jockey. It's a horse race. Just let the horses go. They're in narrow lanes, it's not like they're gonna get turned around.
The worst part of the whole Kentucky Derby ordeal was when I realized that that horse's ejaculate was worth more than my fucking brand new car. Brutal.
The winner of the 2011 Beast Duels-sponsored Kentucky Derby was called Animal Kingdom, which I'm pretty sure was named after an Australian movie with plot holes so gaping I'm pretty sure they fucking bend light.
When the race ended, the interviewed the winning jockey-- which is a horribly named profession. It's bad enough they're all short and squirrely, but their job doesn't need to conjure up images of goddamn tighty whities. So they're interviewing this short cocksucker and they ask him about his racing strategy.
The jockey. No shit.
His strategy?! "Uh, I sat on the horse. And then... kept doing it." Can't wait for the Lifetime story about that dude. It'll be like A Beautiful Mind Part II.
I can't imagine anything more unnecessary than a jockey. It's a horse race. Just let the horses go. They're in narrow lanes, it's not like they're gonna get turned around.
The worst part of the whole Kentucky Derby ordeal was when I realized that that horse's ejaculate was worth more than my fucking brand new car. Brutal.
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