Possum Vs. Possum-sized Cat

This here duel done come from Justin.

That was my southern accent, because he lives in Texas now, and I think the possum's main function in life is being hillbilly food.

I'm not sure why he thought this merited even asking. A cat is basically a tiny version of a lion (check the latin name, fuckbrains).

Compare that to a possum, which is basically an O-less version of an opossum. And christ, c'mon, it's not like the expression is "playing cat". The only thing possums are even known for is being a gigantic, gaping vagina when it comes to confrontation. Except the big one; I call him Bitey.



Compare this to cats-- 9 lives and only killed by beauty. Or curiosity. I always get cats and King Kong confused because they're so fucking badass. And-- if science has taught me anything-- prehensile hands.

So congratulations cats. May no one ever call you a pussy again.

Octopus vs. Crocodile

This duel comes from Natasha's brother's class. And when she said brother, I hope he's in like fucking kindergarten, because no class of a postpubescent age should be dumb enough to think this is even close.

Have you ever seen a crocodile? Sure, they terrorize New York City toilets or something, but christ, they're only like a feet high. They're not like Lake Placcid alligators or some shit. But octopi are such fucking beasts the pleural of their name doesn't even allow the risk of calling them (octo)pussies. And c'mon, the movie wasn't called Megashark vs. Giant Crocodile.



Why is this a question? Do people even fucking read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea anymore? Motherfucking Jules Verne! That might actually have been a squid, but what's the fucking difference anyway.

Aliens

With films like District 9, Avatar, and that movie that cast Sandra Bullock as the romantic lead, 2009 was a great year for humanoid aliens in cinema. But which aliens reign supreme? And thus we have our first Beast Duel of 2010.





"Prawns" vs. the "NA'Vi"
I've decided to discount Sandra Bullock in this argument, as I'm fairly certain that making eye contact with her turns you to stone, and that kind of goes against the spirit of the competition.

Anyways, this battle isn't really about who would win out of giant smurfs with arrows versus jumbo shrimps with lasers. If you look deeper into the metaphors of the films (and thanks for not shoving them down our throats, James Cameron and dude-from-South-Africa), it's really about people of the slums versus tree-hugging hippie douchebags.

It's a pretty obvious winner here. I think I could probably take out an entire Phish concert with a single blow, but I've driven through Detroit once in my life and you're high as hell if you think I'm ever going to that piece of shit excuse for a city again without full-body Kevlar. That place makes the opening 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan look like someone held a Christmas party on a rainbow.

So congrats Prawns, you win. I mean, if you consider having to live in the bad part of South Africa winning.

Sam Jackson, eat your heart out

This is just awesome:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8327213.stm?ls

In the most ridiculous attempt at life-imitates-art, a dude straps a dozen snakes to his body and boards an airplane.



This shit is like the beginning of that Indiana Jones movie.



Of course, his complete lack of running-a-terrorist-organization and trying-to-kill-the-sole-witness-in-the-trial-to-convict-you-of-murder makes him a lot less badass that Hawaiian dude in Snakes on a Plane.

Somewhere, Christina Ricci is just glad this dude didn't want to recreate Black Snake Moan. And considering how fucking retarded that movie looked, so am I.

Til next time,
NF

An Open Letter to President Barack Obama, Courtesy of Beast Duels

Hello,

I am here today not as the god and master of all that is Beast-Dueling, but as a concerned American citizen.

President Obama, there are some events in our nation's recent history that still have not been properly handled. Horrifying and gruesome events that still leave Americans upset and on edge. A tragedy that, even when unspoken of, still lingers in the back of our minds.

I remember when I first witnessed it like it was yesterday. The traumatic event is still crisp in my mind, as I am sure it is in everyone's. I recall turning on the television and reeling in horror. Why would anyone do this? I am aware that the perception of America by other nations around the world is of a country full of greed and corruption; a society of idle godless heathens willing to tear down weaker countries just to save a few cents per gallon of gas. But what had we done to deserve this?

And yet, so little has been done since that time. So little has been done to find the true culprits and bring them to justice. Many feel that something far more sinister than even meets the eye may have occurred, as conspiracy theorists are want to suggest. But I have more faith than that. I believe in America.

But, Mr. President, there is no denying that far too little has been done to right the injustices that we have suffered as Americans-- nay, as human beings. Some say "never forget," but I for one would like to have the issue settled and put to rest so that I may at last reach peace and perhaps be able to forget, even if for a moment.

President Obama, you were elected on a platform of change; Yes We Can was the battle cry of millions a short few months ago. So why are we still waiting?

I ask you, beg you, Mr. President, we need and demand change. If you spoke the truth, if your favorite film really is The Godfather, then why have you not erased all available records of The Godfather Part III from ever existing? Seriously, that movie sucks giant fucking dick.

A faithful American citizen who still has hope,
NF

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

No time to fuck around people, let's get right to it:

Man vs. Jellyfish

You all know jellyfish, right?



They look pretty harmless and lame, but supposedly they can pack a ridiculous poison. Either that or that slutty girl I met just had me piss on her for fun. Also, how do you get stung by a jellyfish when you're hanging out behind a Denny's?

Anyways. Remember the movie Sphere? That wonderful thinkpiece with Samuel L Jackson and Sharon Stone? Yeah, it was awful, but at least it had Queen Latifah getting mauled by a few hundred jellyfish.

But aside from a magical giant circle from space, that movie was mostly fiction. Can a jellyfish really kill a person?

I'm going to say yes, and here's why. How the fuck do you kill a jellyfish? At first I was thinking you could dry it out by pouring salt on it like a snail, but christ, it lives in fucking salt water. What else would you do, punch it? That'd be like punching a marshmallow. Marshmallows cannot be killed. Shit, you can even put some peeps in the microwave and they're just encouraged to fight it out.



Fuck that. I mean, some types of jellyfish are called man o' wars. Man himself isn't even named that. They just fucking one-up us in title alone.

I'm staying out of jellyfishes way. Because they might kill me and that'd suck, but the worst part would be dying at the hands of something that was named after part of a sandwich.

Later bitches,
NF

Rocky XIV

So I've been doing surgery for the last two months, and the constant sight of blood and guts has made me pretty tranquil. I'd reached some kind of zen-like docility just taking in all of the controlled violence of the ORs. That was ruined today when the radio in one of the rooms played a fucking Sugar Ray song and now I wanna fucking kill someone.

Anyways, I now bring you a Beast Duel recommended ages ago by Jake:

Sylvester Stallone vs. a Gorilla

Of course, when looking at Stallone, it depends on what Stallone you're getting. I mean, with Rocky he really set a precedent that someone who is basically retarded can succeed in an athletic endeavor, and there have been a number of examples since then.





And then there are films like Over the Top, which in my opinion is definitely in the top three arm-wrestling films of all time. Just fantastic work. He also was superb Daylight, where he showed that when you're stuck in a tunnel with Sly, you're not fucking stuck at all. The walls of that bitch were just waiting to crumble underneath his holy grip.

Then there was horseshit like Rocky Balboa, where the character Rocky, a useless, has-been boxer tries to prove to the world that he still has a semblance of worth. Unfortunately, it was played by Sylvester Stallone, a useless, has-been actor trying to prove to the world he still had a semblance of worth.*

So we take an amalgam of these characters and have it go up against a gorrila. I'm thinking somewhere between this:



and this**



So if we take the fucking horrible Peter Jackson version out of the equation, I think gorilla is a clear winner. I mean, I know it's impressive that Rocky Balboa can occasionally win a boxing match, but for fuck's sake, he's never torn down buildings before.

So congratulations gorilla, you deserve it. And I really hope Jake didn't mean "guerillas" or I'm gonna feel pretty stupid for not mentioning First Blood.

Later bitches,
NF

*stole this joke
** or this

Asian Children

Hey there. It's been a while and I kind of forget how to do this, so let's just jump right in.

So this Jon and Kate Plus 8 bullshit is really getting out of hand. I went grocery shopping tonight and every tabloid newspaper is so deeply engorged into that dumb slut's junk that they're one Kegel away from being her ninth fucking child.



I'm honestly pretty appalled by this woman. Not because she's a psycho hose beast; I mean, I've never even seen that stupid show. I'm a busy man who has better shows to spend his time on. And I could give a shit that these two are getting a divorce or that Jon banged some 19 year old co-ed on Kate's birthday. That's their fucking business.

No, what's disgusting is that this woman has had eight motherfucking children. Jesus Christ, I don't even have to think about theology anymore because I know that when I finally die and go to hell, I'm just going to that stupid house with all those whiny little critters running around.

Eight children. What the fuck. One time in little league our team won a game with 6 players on the field. She's had more kids fall out of her than I had on my fucking baseball team.

Why would you even want that many kids? Unless they're making Air fucking Jordans in the rec room there is absolutely no reason for that many Asian kids to be under the same roof.

Also, I've heard that Jon is only half Asian, but I've seen those kids and they're definitely full Asian, which can really only mean one thing: Kate cheated on Jon with a 200% Asian man. I'm pretty positive that has to mean that...



...Bruce Lee returned from the grave just to fertilize that bitch. Gangsta shit.

Either way though, I would never, ever, ever watch this show, even if there are 8 little half-Lees running around. There is pretty much only one way I would ever watch this garbage...


JON AND KATE VS. EIGHT

Yeah, that's right. Jon and Kate versus their half-bitch-half-Lee spawn in a fight to the death.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that I believe in strength in numbers. I believe in Bruce Lee. And you're right. But if you think that I really believe that 8 children could defeat two grown adults in a fight to the death than you're fucking retarded.

They're children. They cry if you tell them they can't have ice cream. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to kill their parents for fuck's sake.

See you soon,
NF

Vick

Michael Vick's out of prison. The Beast Duels hiatus is over.