Literary fan fic

These are fan-fics of famous literature I want to read:

Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finngerbang
Joyce's U-Lick-these
Nabakov's Blowlita
Heller's Snatch-22
George Orwell's 1969
Dostoevsky's The Brothers Came-amazov
David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Chest
Melville's Black Moby Dick
Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Cunt (and in a similar vein, Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Cunter)
Margaret Atwood's The Handjob's Tale
Thomas Hardy's Lewd the Obscure
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Poon Hound of the Baskervilles
Flaubert's Madame Ovary
Burgess' A Cockwork Orange
Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Alabian Nights
Dickens' Great Sexpectations
Hemingway's For Whom the Balls Toll

Feel free to add your own

Chewbacca vs. Five Averagely Strengthed People

We all know Chewbacca, right?  The tall thing who looks vaguely like Bigfoot, but also kinda something from a beef jerky commercial?  So let's take Chewbacca (of Star Wars fame) and pit him against some people.

What a wookiee!

Why Chewbacca, you may ask.  How about because he's one of the most badass creatures in film history.  Want proof?  He makes being a wookiee sound fearful.  A wookiee.  Compare this to that cocktard pussy Russell Brand who ~wrote something and called it My Booky Wook.

Ugh.  Seriously?  Fuck that grimy British piece of shit.  I bet that dude constantly smells like soup.  Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming.  Fuck you.  The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.

So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength.  I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand.  Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough.  Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.

CGI is a hell of a drug

Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans

This is clearly Chewbacca.  I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...

1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it

Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity.  He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem.  The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing. 

Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity:  he would fuck that shit up.

Peace
--NLF

Not a duel: Gun Rant

Since there aren't enough duels in the world to conduct, and since I need to rant so much that not even the idiots in real life and professional retards I'm friends with on Facebook can satiate me, I'm going to expand the Beast Duels blog a bit.

So let's get started with...

Gun Rant

You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?



How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?

People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...

In Baltimore today, more gang-related turf battles leave three gang members and two civilians dead after a drive-by Judo chopping.

If movies have taught me anything (and with the amount I've seen, how could they not), the only way to kill someone with your hands is by putting a pillow over their face for thirty seconds. I'm skeptical as to whether that shit is real though-- otherwise, I think that would mean that falling asleep on your stomach is technically attempted suicide. Aside from that, hands are just tools for pulling triggers and something about sex.

Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.

Possum Vs. Possum-sized Cat

This here duel done come from Justin.

That was my southern accent, because he lives in Texas now, and I think the possum's main function in life is being hillbilly food.

I'm not sure why he thought this merited even asking. A cat is basically a tiny version of a lion (check the latin name, fuckbrains).

Compare that to a possum, which is basically an O-less version of an opossum. And christ, c'mon, it's not like the expression is "playing cat". The only thing possums are even known for is being a gigantic, gaping vagina when it comes to confrontation. Except the big one; I call him Bitey.



Compare this to cats-- 9 lives and only killed by beauty. Or curiosity. I always get cats and King Kong confused because they're so fucking badass. And-- if science has taught me anything-- prehensile hands.

So congratulations cats. May no one ever call you a pussy again.

Octopus vs. Crocodile

This duel comes from Natasha's brother's class. And when she said brother, I hope he's in like fucking kindergarten, because no class of a postpubescent age should be dumb enough to think this is even close.

Have you ever seen a crocodile? Sure, they terrorize New York City toilets or something, but christ, they're only like a feet high. They're not like Lake Placcid alligators or some shit. But octopi are such fucking beasts the pleural of their name doesn't even allow the risk of calling them (octo)pussies. And c'mon, the movie wasn't called Megashark vs. Giant Crocodile.



Why is this a question? Do people even fucking read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea anymore? Motherfucking Jules Verne! That might actually have been a squid, but what's the fucking difference anyway.

Aliens

With films like District 9, Avatar, and that movie that cast Sandra Bullock as the romantic lead, 2009 was a great year for humanoid aliens in cinema. But which aliens reign supreme? And thus we have our first Beast Duel of 2010.





"Prawns" vs. the "NA'Vi"
I've decided to discount Sandra Bullock in this argument, as I'm fairly certain that making eye contact with her turns you to stone, and that kind of goes against the spirit of the competition.

Anyways, this battle isn't really about who would win out of giant smurfs with arrows versus jumbo shrimps with lasers. If you look deeper into the metaphors of the films (and thanks for not shoving them down our throats, James Cameron and dude-from-South-Africa), it's really about people of the slums versus tree-hugging hippie douchebags.

It's a pretty obvious winner here. I think I could probably take out an entire Phish concert with a single blow, but I've driven through Detroit once in my life and you're high as hell if you think I'm ever going to that piece of shit excuse for a city again without full-body Kevlar. That place makes the opening 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan look like someone held a Christmas party on a rainbow.

So congrats Prawns, you win. I mean, if you consider having to live in the bad part of South Africa winning.

Sam Jackson, eat your heart out

This is just awesome:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8327213.stm?ls

In the most ridiculous attempt at life-imitates-art, a dude straps a dozen snakes to his body and boards an airplane.



This shit is like the beginning of that Indiana Jones movie.



Of course, his complete lack of running-a-terrorist-organization and trying-to-kill-the-sole-witness-in-the-trial-to-convict-you-of-murder makes him a lot less badass that Hawaiian dude in Snakes on a Plane.

Somewhere, Christina Ricci is just glad this dude didn't want to recreate Black Snake Moan. And considering how fucking retarded that movie looked, so am I.

Til next time,
NF

An Open Letter to President Barack Obama, Courtesy of Beast Duels

Hello,

I am here today not as the god and master of all that is Beast-Dueling, but as a concerned American citizen.

President Obama, there are some events in our nation's recent history that still have not been properly handled. Horrifying and gruesome events that still leave Americans upset and on edge. A tragedy that, even when unspoken of, still lingers in the back of our minds.

I remember when I first witnessed it like it was yesterday. The traumatic event is still crisp in my mind, as I am sure it is in everyone's. I recall turning on the television and reeling in horror. Why would anyone do this? I am aware that the perception of America by other nations around the world is of a country full of greed and corruption; a society of idle godless heathens willing to tear down weaker countries just to save a few cents per gallon of gas. But what had we done to deserve this?

And yet, so little has been done since that time. So little has been done to find the true culprits and bring them to justice. Many feel that something far more sinister than even meets the eye may have occurred, as conspiracy theorists are want to suggest. But I have more faith than that. I believe in America.

But, Mr. President, there is no denying that far too little has been done to right the injustices that we have suffered as Americans-- nay, as human beings. Some say "never forget," but I for one would like to have the issue settled and put to rest so that I may at last reach peace and perhaps be able to forget, even if for a moment.

President Obama, you were elected on a platform of change; Yes We Can was the battle cry of millions a short few months ago. So why are we still waiting?

I ask you, beg you, Mr. President, we need and demand change. If you spoke the truth, if your favorite film really is The Godfather, then why have you not erased all available records of The Godfather Part III from ever existing? Seriously, that movie sucks giant fucking dick.

A faithful American citizen who still has hope,
NF

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

No time to fuck around people, let's get right to it:

Man vs. Jellyfish

You all know jellyfish, right?



They look pretty harmless and lame, but supposedly they can pack a ridiculous poison. Either that or that slutty girl I met just had me piss on her for fun. Also, how do you get stung by a jellyfish when you're hanging out behind a Denny's?

Anyways. Remember the movie Sphere? That wonderful thinkpiece with Samuel L Jackson and Sharon Stone? Yeah, it was awful, but at least it had Queen Latifah getting mauled by a few hundred jellyfish.

But aside from a magical giant circle from space, that movie was mostly fiction. Can a jellyfish really kill a person?

I'm going to say yes, and here's why. How the fuck do you kill a jellyfish? At first I was thinking you could dry it out by pouring salt on it like a snail, but christ, it lives in fucking salt water. What else would you do, punch it? That'd be like punching a marshmallow. Marshmallows cannot be killed. Shit, you can even put some peeps in the microwave and they're just encouraged to fight it out.



Fuck that. I mean, some types of jellyfish are called man o' wars. Man himself isn't even named that. They just fucking one-up us in title alone.

I'm staying out of jellyfishes way. Because they might kill me and that'd suck, but the worst part would be dying at the hands of something that was named after part of a sandwich.

Later bitches,
NF