Man Vs. Wild

Here's a letter from a reader with a Beast Duel suggestion.

Dear Nick,
I was in Ohio recently and I saw you walking around and damn did you look hot. Is it too forward if I say that? I sure hope not. I'm a pretty girl, if that helps.

Anyways, enough about me wanting to bang your brains out which is obvious and expected. I have a problem that has a solution that isn't so obvious. I was watching this show on TV called Man Vs. Wild and was wondering who you think would win in a real beast duel, man or wild?

Your faithful reader,
Confused in Kalamazoo

Kalamazoo? Wow, I didn't even know I had readers in Antigua.

This is a great duel. Man Vs. Wild. The elements vs. homo sapiens. Of course, I don't think what this lovely young slut was referring to was literally humankind vs. the elements. She said she was pretty, but I don't think even a hot girl is that stupid. Clearly one day "Mother Nature" will win out, and we'll all be gone. Fortunately, in our place will evolve some kind of robot-alien-werewolf something that will probably be able to fly and have developed new kick-ass flavors of juice.

No, what CiK was referring to was Bear Grylls vs. the elements. In other words, although he portrays someone on TV who can tame the wild, is he really capable of doing so?

And this brings us to our latest duel:

The Duel: Man vs. Wild

The Wild: I'm sure you're all familiar with the wild. It's where the things are. You know, the wild things. Not the wild thing

or even the other wild thing

You're with me still, right?

Anyways, that's the wild. We know it well.

The Man: So who is this Bear Grylls character anyway? Is it this?



Not exactly. What we have there is a bare grill.

No Bear Grylls is the star of a show called Man Vs. Wild. It's on a TV channel of some sort that I don't care to watch because their beer commercials aren't hilarious. What makes him think he can tame the elements?

• Member of the United Kingdom Special Forces Reserve as a trooper and survival instructor.
• Climbed Mt. Everest
• "he financed and accompanied a team of five Professional British Seamen* on the first unassisted crossing of the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. The team battled giant waves, polar bears, icebergs and storms."
• Has his own outdoor clothing line.

Sounds like Nick has made up his mind, amirite?

Wrong.

First of all, great job on being in the British Army or whatever the fuck it was. The British sure have done a great job in the past.

Also, I haven't spent too much time watching his garbage show, but apparently people think he's great because he survives in the wild and drinks his own piss. Yeah, so does the crackhead who dances for sandwiches downtown but he doesn't have his own goddamn TV show. And come on, does anyone really believe he was that dehydrated and close to risking death that he had to rely on his own piss to survive? He could just as easily have gone "hey cameraman, toss me that Aquafina you got." But no, "Bear" is too proud to do that.

Did I mention his name isn't Bear, it's Edward? Yeah. His name is Edward Grylls. And he decided to rename himself after a slang term for a hairy, burly gay dude.

I'm not fucking impressed.

Also, the smug sonofabitch doesn't even stay in the wild, he crashes in hotels. I bet this guy can't even survive nights when all HBO is showing is Princess Diaries 2 and Son of the Mask, let alone survive the fickle, conniving cunt that is the wilderness.

So I hope that answers your question Confused. Gimme a call sometime. I gotta let you know in advance though, I have a business meeting really early in the morning and I'll probably have to leave while you're asleep. I would wake you up before I go, but you need your rest. But don't worry, I'll have had a great time and of course I'll call you sometime. This is just a kind of bad time for me right now, I'm very busy, and it's not you. I know you'll understand. Yes I had a great time(s) last night too.

Take care, gorgeous
--Nick

*lol, professional semen.

To all the haters

In case you forgot



And don't fucking forget it. I will not be trifled with and my holy judgments are not up for debate.

Would you go to John Nash and tell him 2+2 doesn't = 4?

Would you go to Stephen Hawking and say "hey dick, I'm smarter than you because I can walk"?

Would you go to Heidi Klum and say "you look ugly today. Plus your hat looks retarded"?

I DARE SAY YOU WOULD NOT!

So don't come onto BeastDuels and tell me that I'm wrong, or I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Maybe if you shut up and get a little wiser, I might drop a compliment like this your way: "Check out the big brain on Brett! You're a smart motherfucker."

'kay, peace out you Big Kahuna Burger eatin' motherfuckers.
--Nick

Something To Ponder

The band Bear Vs Shark should really just be called Shark.

Some friendly Beast-Dueling advice for the new years

It's 2009 and you know what that means...

Oh. You don't? It means another gruesome and bloody year of beast dueling has passed and a new one is upon us. And since apparently there is a lot of confusion regarding beast dueling and the proper ways to handicap matches, I'm going to share a few tricks of the trade with you all.

First of all, I think we all need to keep in mind that what I say is law. I have never and will never be wrong about a beast duel. Now, is this to say that the result of each duel happens the way it does because I say so, or do I merely know the right answer?

It's hard to say. But either way, disagreeing with me is tantamount to beast duels suicide. It's incredibly important to remember this. You don't want to be at some fancy cocktail party trying to impress the whore you brought and have her overhear you get schooled by the hors d'oeuvres-carrier guy because you were too stupid to think that 300,000 bees couldn't take down a zombie. Not paying attention here just cost you some easy tail. So listen up kids, and remember rule #1

Rule #1: What I say is law.

Okay, we've got the most important rule out of the way, so let's get a little more in depth. What is important to take into account in handicapping a beast duel? Clearly, one of the most significant factors is numbers. Here's why:

John Maynard Smith (dead guy) developed a game theory concept called "war of attrition". According to the mathematical scholarly journal Wikipedia, this is "a model of aggression in which two contestants compete for a resource of value V by persisting while constantly accumulating costs over the time t that the contest lasts." If you're not following me, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyways, the point of this all is that in a beast duel team made of multiple contestants, they can persist longer and accumulate more cost over the same period of time. In layman's terms* this just reflects the axiom regarding "strength in numbers"



Yeh, son. Word.

So keep in mind rule #2:


Rule #2: Generally, there are strength in numbers.


"Oh, but Nick, didn't you have a post where one velociraptor beat its weight in Compsognathuses?"

You pompous little shit. Do I have to remind you about rule #1 already? Do I?! Go back to the top of this and start again, dickface.

Maybe you've never heard the expression "it's the exception that proves the rule." I don't really know what the fuck it means** because it kinda sounds like it's inherently impossible, but regardless, I'm always right so sit down and shut the fuck up before we have our first beast duel of 2009: the back of my hand vs. your fucking face. No matter who wins that, I win.

Anyways, I'll throw you one more bone for the time being as long as you stay quiet and watch your fucking attitude.

Rule #3: Winning is the only thing that matters.


I don't want to sound cliche, but close only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades, right? So if 9 lions fight 11 tigers and a loan tiger survives the match (this documented fact), it doesn't matter that the lions killed more tigers or that the tigers nearly succumbed. The point is that the tigers were victorious. Who cares that the lions just barely came in second?! Who remembers second place? I mean, no one remembers who the hell came in second in the Trojan War, am I right?

Goddamn right I'm right. I'm always right***.

Okay, that's all for now. I hope everyone has a happy new year filled with copious amounts of wonderful dueling.

Until next time,
Nick



*I'm stupiding this down for you
**I actually do understand, but since I'm sure you don't, the online literary magazine Wikipedia explains it better than I care to spend thirty seconds doing. Even though Wikipedia doesn't even bother to tackle the notion that there are multiple definitions to the word "prove" leading to confusion. I claim this as my first of a series of attacks on Wikipedia that will ultimately lead me to claim dominance to it, and subsequently, all of intelligent life on the internet.
***See Rule #1

To Bee or Not To Bee

More like something's rotten in the state of Denmark*.

"Nick, what are you talking about?"

Shut up and I'll tell you. Jesus, it's like you've never read my work before.

Anyways, I don't like to get my news from movies, but in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, Marky Mark notes that all of the bees are disappearing and why this is important.

He's right and he's wrong. Kind of like his decision to become famous, but first doing it via the Funky Bunch. But I digress.

See, bees are important. What what happen to us without bees? We'd be doomed.

"Really?"

Yes motherfucker, sit down and shut up. So here's why we'd be doomed. Without bees there would be no honey. And without honey there'd be no honey nut cheerios. What the hell would we eat for breakfast?

Eggs. Yeah. Then as an entire race, our cholesterol would spike and we'd all die of heart disease. So yes, bees are important you ignorant little twits.

But are they in danger? Are they dying? Fuck no. What Wahlberg and Shyamalan don't seem to understand is that bees are tiny yet efficient killing machines. They can fly and have stingers. I mean, shit, if we had airplanes that had stingers on them, we probably would've won the Vietnam war**.

No, bees aren't in trouble. M. Night Shyamalan's just an idiot***. Of course, Shyamalan being an idiot is a surprise to no one who has seen any of his films that don't start with the words "The Sixth Sense". Seriously, did you people see the Happening****? You know how it ends? I'll tell you. The plants are doing it. Yeah, the plants are killing everyone. Plants.

I can keep saying it, but it doesn't make it any less retarded. Plants.

Shyamalan should be ashamed of himself. He should start paying back the American people $7.75 at a time.

Psh. Plants killing bees. That's idiotic. They NEED bees to fucking live. Ever heard of pollination Shyamalan? Or did you miss that day of 6th grade biology because that's when you wrote the Village*****. I don't think Shyamalan has enough respect for the bees. Which is why our first duel regarding bees will be as such:

The Duel: M Night Shyamalan vs. his weight in bees.

I'm going to assume that M's weight is about 130 lb. Yes, I'm assuming this grown man weighs as much as I did when I was 15. If he has a problem with it, I'm willing to fight him again. Spoiler alert: I kicked his ass the first time. He actually based Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable on me. I'd recommend you go see it just for that, but I wouldn't do that to you. That is Samuel L Jackson's worst movie ever. And yes, I'm aware of the significance that has.

I'd spell out the rest of the duel for you, but let's be honest, 18 bees would kick the shit out of M Night Shyamalan. 130 pounds of bees is pretty unnecessary here.

I'll catch up with you all soon. We have a lot of work to do.
--Nick


*That's Shakespeare bitches, try to keep up.
**I'm looking at you, Lyndon B. Johnson.
***Did you know Night isn't even his real middle name? What a douche.
****I didn't. But that's because I'm a relatively smart person. You have yet to prove yourself.
*****I will never see this film. Spoiler: it takes place in current time, not 100 years ago. Seriously.

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

“Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.”

Don Addis said that. I don't know who the fuck this Don character is, or what king got stabbed to death with pitchforks by his countrymen and made him the fucking leader of the free world and telling me what to do, but I for one don't like it. Not one goddamn bit.

Beastduels won't stand for being told what to do. No, Mr. Addis, you cocksucking snake in the grass. We're gonna fight back. Which brings us to our next duel.

The competitors: A snake vs. a mouse

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Hold up. A snake versus a mouse? Seriously? Some of you might be saying to yourselves "this is pointless. A snake could never lose to a mouse." Well you'd be right.

And by right I mean retarded, shut the fuck up and let me finish.

The duel: The classic fight to the death.

The arena: Cage match.

So this Addis dickhead is saying to never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. But what about if you're up against a snake? Didn't think of that, did you Addis?! Yeah, fuck you. Maybe if you'd done some better research you wouldn't be retired.

So what does the snake have going for it? They're bendy. They're evil. They have creepy eyes. Sam Jackson made a movie about them being on an airplane. Seems like the complete package, amirite?

Wrong. Snakes don't have arms or legs, idiots. How the fuck could that defeat anything? Ever see the movie Anaconda?



Neither did I, it looked fucking terrible. Who wants to see a movie about some worm killing people too dumb to punch and kick? If I wanted that, I'd watch fucking Gandhi.

The advantage is clearly mouse here. Don't believe me?

Really?

You don't believe me. C'mon, you faithful moronic sheep readers of mine, have I ever led you astray? Besides that one time?

No, I haven't. The proof is in the pudding. I don't know what that means, so I'll just post a picture.



The mouse wins. But this isn't just a victory for the mouse; no, this is far greater than that. This is a victory for all of us as Americans. Nay, as human beings. Our victory against Don Addis. Don't ever fucking tell us not to be something again, you piece of shit.

Until next time, happy dueling.
--Nick

Annnnnnnnd We're Back!

No, not this We're Back, you lovable retards.



Even better than an animated musical about dinosaurs, Beast Duels is back!

I've gotten thousands of emails asking me where I've been since December. Have I been off making a healthy living? Good god, no. Have I been out bettering society?

You betcha.

I've just returned from a seven month excursion-- nay-- extravaganza! I traveled around the world, to all twelve continents on the first ever Beast Duels World Tour (BDWT). I've seen beast duels that no other humans in recent or remote memory have seen.

I went to Antarctica and saw five penguins battle a dolphin (victory: dolphin). I went to Shanghai to see a cat take on a lobster (victory: one very bloody kitty). I even went to the savanna to watch three young lion cubs take on a hyena (victory: not applicable, sadly. Beast duels on the great plains have proven to be one disemboweling mess). I've seen bears, stingrays, elephants and baboons tangle with whale sharks, Cambodian youths, porcupines and the previously assumed extinct dodo bird.

But after 7 treacherous and arduous months watching Mother Nature's © finest creatures tear each other limb from limb, devour brain and bathe in spinal fluid, what is the most important thing I took away from the experience?

Bees.

That's right motherfuckers, bees. And not happy-go-lucky Jerry Seinfeld bees...



Not even the bee's knees or Burt's bees



Not even spelling bees or that sexy snow-haired piece of ass Bea Arthur.



Just regular old stupid ass bees.

Stay tuned idiots, I'm preparing to drop a knowledge bomb on you the size of fuckin Hiroshima.

Til I press the button that seals your fate....
Love always,
Nick

Ostrich vs. Kangaroo

In this installment of Beast Duels, we shall be discussing a duel of biblical-- nay, Qaranical!-- proportions. It is a duel which has sparked a great deal of controversy amongst the duelers in Akron, mostly due to the fact that they are pathetically unaware that when it comes to Beast Dueling, my hubris is law. I won't leave you on the edge of your seat writhing in the cold sweat of anticipation; let's dive right in.

The Duel: An Ostrich vs. A Kangaroo

The Setting: An Open Field

Type of Duel: Battle Royal: The Duelers fight to the death.

Kangaroo Statistics:

• A red kangaroo can jump over 30 feet at once. This is longer than the world record for humans, a species known for its horizontal leap.
• Males can grow up to 6 feet and weigh up to 180 pounds.
• Males fight by standing on their hindlimbs and locking arms in a boxing stance. They are also known to kick with their powerful legs and use their sharp claws to eviscerate their opponents. Eew.

Ostrich Statistics:

• Largest living species of bird.
• Can't fly
• The red-necked ostrich, the largest species, can grow up to 9 feet tall and weigh up to 340 pounds.
  
• Can eviscerate opponents with kicks from its powerful hindlegs (sound familiar?)

Hm. I see a lot of similarities here. Neither can fly, and both fight by kicking. Besides the not-being-able-to-fly part, it sounds a little like two ninjas going at it. So who has the advantage here?

To analyze this, we're best served by comparing the characteristics each has.

Kangaroos can jump far and can cool their body temperature with their spit. Ostriches are fucking heavy. Which would you rather have in a fight?

I don't really need to continue on here, but I will because some people are a little slow.

A kangaroo can jump. Great. Good for it. So can fleas. Ostriches can run over 40 mph; I can barely drive that fast (Asian).

Advantage: Ostrich.

Let's look at their kicking abilities: One is kicking with 180 pounds of force. The other is kicking with nearly double that.

Advantage: Ostrich.

(If you're having trouble following why the ostrich gets the advantages here, please don't contact me to ask)

Plus, look at this technique:


This is an easy victory for the ostrich. I know, I know, the Looney Tunes of your youth made you think that ostriches were big fucking pansies who always stuck their neck in the sand, whereas kangaroos were badass boxers. Life lesson time: cartoons aren't always telling the truth. Just the Simpsons.

Til next time, happy dueling
--Nick

Beast Duels F.A.Q.

I've gotten thousands of emails recently regarding the logistics of this here blog, so in lieu of beast-dueling, in this edition I'm going to be answering some of the many questions the fans have been asking.

So what are the beast-duelers, anyway?

Beast-duelers are common, humble folk. They go to work, bring home the bacon, kiss their wives, and then match up beast vs. beast in fights to the death.


Who are the beast duelers?

The beast-duelers are an army of Ph. D's, MDs, veterinarians, underground dog-fighters and the occasional jockeys, who have devoted their life's work to an ongoing curiosity of determining which of two beasts will persevere in mortal combat. An honorable pursuit, and a service to their nation.

That sounds expensive. How do you afford that?

Unfortunately, Beast Duels has yet to receive any form of government funding (officially), although rumors have been circulating that certain blogs have certain lobbyists in a certain Washington D.C. working with certain Senators to get bills passed to aid Beast Duels with government funding.

Okay, okay, it's Robert Byrd.

Until that bill passes, Beast Duels has managed to receive numerous-- and oftentimes quite generous-- contributions from various organizations. In particular, The Heritage Foundation has contributed funds exceeding seven figures to keep Beast Duels continuing, claiming it is "man's right to take the creatures God created for their amusement, and make them kill each other." The 700 Club sent a similar statement to Beast Duels, but unfortunately with a much smaller donation. Odd.

Do you actually carry out all of the beast duels you mention?

The long answer is no, we do not. We are not inhumane people. We're not monsters like Michael Vick, pitting living soul against living soul in a completely disgraceful regard for the sanctity of all life. This blog, and the beast-dueling community, simply exists as a hypothetical analysis for the various methods of animal warfare and attempts to analyze them on a strictly theoretical scale, solely for the purposes of entertainment and research.

The short answer is of course we do.


Do you have any animals yourself?

My parents have two dogs. And as a matter of fact, I've recently adopted a kitty. Unfortunately, my digital camera is on the fritz, so here's the closest I could come up with to a picture of him:



I'm an animal rights activist. Would you think that Beast Duels would be okay if it was done with humans?

Funny that you should mention that. And yes.

How long have the beast-duelers been around for?

In some form, beast-duelers have existed since the dawn of man, when Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis pitted a woolly mammoth against her pet saber-tooth tiger, Bronck. Unfortunately for Lucy, but fortunately for evolutionary biologists everywhere, Bronck was slayed by the mammoth, and in a fit of depression, Lucille the cavewoman thrust herself into the depths of a glacier to be unearthed by scientists millions of years later.

The modern Renaissance of Beast Duels originated four or five years ago, in the minds of a group of precocious yet painstakingly unmotivated teens, over cups of coffee (or, as it is known in some circles, "liquid comedy".)

Why are there so few updates?

Because I'm busy. Fuck off.

Can you make me an administrator on the Beast Duels Blog?

No. This means you, Jake.

Is Justin really as awful at beast dueling as he seems?

No. He's worse.

In your opinion, what was the most significant beast duel in history?

This can be looked at many ways. Was it the aforementioned duel that led to Lucy's Plathian demise that changed the world of evolutionary biology forever? Was it something more classic, like a T. rex losing to the polar bears on Noah's arc? Or has it yet to happen, like the Avian Flu Virus killing humanity? It's hard to choose; it's like choosing one's favorite child. You clearly can't just pick the best-looking one, because the ugly ones will be the lonely single children who won't force you into a nursing home when you're sixty-three.

You're pretty awesome, Nick.

Appreciated, but that's not a question.

What does the future hold for Beast Duels?

Government contracts? Book deals? A Discovery Channel show, narrated by David Attenborough? Maybe primetime NBC? HBO? Film? AM radio?

Only time will tell.

Until next time, this has been your favorite beast-dueler and a man renowned for being able to win a duel against a flock of seagulls while only armed with a shattered beer bottle and a mad buzz, Nick Fulton. Adios everyone.