Man Vs. Wild

Here's a letter from a reader with a Beast Duel suggestion.

Dear Nick,
I was in Ohio recently and I saw you walking around and damn did you look hot. Is it too forward if I say that? I sure hope not. I'm a pretty girl, if that helps.

Anyways, enough about me wanting to bang your brains out which is obvious and expected. I have a problem that has a solution that isn't so obvious. I was watching this show on TV called Man Vs. Wild and was wondering who you think would win in a real beast duel, man or wild?

Your faithful reader,
Confused in Kalamazoo

Kalamazoo? Wow, I didn't even know I had readers in Antigua.

This is a great duel. Man Vs. Wild. The elements vs. homo sapiens. Of course, I don't think what this lovely young slut was referring to was literally humankind vs. the elements. She said she was pretty, but I don't think even a hot girl is that stupid. Clearly one day "Mother Nature" will win out, and we'll all be gone. Fortunately, in our place will evolve some kind of robot-alien-werewolf something that will probably be able to fly and have developed new kick-ass flavors of juice.

No, what CiK was referring to was Bear Grylls vs. the elements. In other words, although he portrays someone on TV who can tame the wild, is he really capable of doing so?

And this brings us to our latest duel:

The Duel: Man vs. Wild

The Wild: I'm sure you're all familiar with the wild. It's where the things are. You know, the wild things. Not the wild thing

or even the other wild thing

You're with me still, right?

Anyways, that's the wild. We know it well.

The Man: So who is this Bear Grylls character anyway? Is it this?



Not exactly. What we have there is a bare grill.

No Bear Grylls is the star of a show called Man Vs. Wild. It's on a TV channel of some sort that I don't care to watch because their beer commercials aren't hilarious. What makes him think he can tame the elements?

• Member of the United Kingdom Special Forces Reserve as a trooper and survival instructor.
• Climbed Mt. Everest
• "he financed and accompanied a team of five Professional British Seamen* on the first unassisted crossing of the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. The team battled giant waves, polar bears, icebergs and storms."
• Has his own outdoor clothing line.

Sounds like Nick has made up his mind, amirite?

Wrong.

First of all, great job on being in the British Army or whatever the fuck it was. The British sure have done a great job in the past.

Also, I haven't spent too much time watching his garbage show, but apparently people think he's great because he survives in the wild and drinks his own piss. Yeah, so does the crackhead who dances for sandwiches downtown but he doesn't have his own goddamn TV show. And come on, does anyone really believe he was that dehydrated and close to risking death that he had to rely on his own piss to survive? He could just as easily have gone "hey cameraman, toss me that Aquafina you got." But no, "Bear" is too proud to do that.

Did I mention his name isn't Bear, it's Edward? Yeah. His name is Edward Grylls. And he decided to rename himself after a slang term for a hairy, burly gay dude.

I'm not fucking impressed.

Also, the smug sonofabitch doesn't even stay in the wild, he crashes in hotels. I bet this guy can't even survive nights when all HBO is showing is Princess Diaries 2 and Son of the Mask, let alone survive the fickle, conniving cunt that is the wilderness.

So I hope that answers your question Confused. Gimme a call sometime. I gotta let you know in advance though, I have a business meeting really early in the morning and I'll probably have to leave while you're asleep. I would wake you up before I go, but you need your rest. But don't worry, I'll have had a great time and of course I'll call you sometime. This is just a kind of bad time for me right now, I'm very busy, and it's not you. I know you'll understand. Yes I had a great time(s) last night too.

Take care, gorgeous
--Nick

*lol, professional semen.