He totally throws the 3D version of a circle into the 2D version of a circle better than almost every other tall guy out there. I'm seriously proud to be from this place just because of him. I mean, we must have so much in common just because we have lived in the same city. I bet he's even gotten flat tires driving down Portage Path because the mayor is a'ight with leaving potholes the size of Sarah Jessica Parker's nose in the streets.
Christ, the mayor. What an asshole. After 9/11, he sent fliers out door-to-door saying that campaign finance reform fuels terrorism*. I think he actually meant poor people, but hey, it's not like either demographic is going to donate in excess of the $300 legally allowed like other people so what's the fucking diff anyway, right Plusquellic?
But I digress. I wake up this morning and check out my phone and the following note is written in it:
Killer whale vs 3 alligators
Incredible. It's like I just drink and someone else does the work for me**. Let's dive right in***.
The Competitors: Killer Whale vs. Three Alligators
The Duel: Battle Royale: Fight to the Death
The Setting: I dunno. Watery something.
Killer Whale Facts:
- Aka "Orca", "Blackfish" or the totally badass "Seawolf"
- Super cuddly in plush Shamu form, sometimes go manhunting in non-plush form
- Weigh about six tons
I'm not even gonna bother. I mean, sometimes I think alligators are pretty hardcore. Like the time they jacked the shit out of a wildebeest. That was pretty nuts.
But other times, alligators are gigantic vaginas. Like that time they got bitched out by maybe the snuggliest creature known to mankind.
Seriously, this shit is no contest. The fifteen otters have a better shot against the Seawolf.
The Winner: Killer whale.
And it's not even close.
It's got killer in its name, for fuck's sake. This one isn't even open for discussion people.
It's spring break, so I'll see you soon.
--Nick
* this is 100% true
**thanks for the idea Nate
*** pun was also for Nate
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