Leopard Vs. Crocodile

Hey everyone,
Just got back from Nigeria. No, I don't wanna fucking talk about it, so don't ask. Nosy pricks. Maybe you should mind your own goddamn business for once.

Oh, the pictures? Right.

I saw some epic shit over there. And not "epic" like some 4-hour piece of tripe vomited out by Peter fucking Jackson. That guy's just horrible. Seriously, if there was a script called "Nick Knocks Boots With Jessica Alba and Megan Fox While Hannah Montana Assassinates the President with a Blender" and that useless douche directed it, it would be boring as shit.

C'mon. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was longer than Shoah. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does he think some piece of shit story about elves, gay wizards and haunted jewelry is more significant than the extermination of millions of people?

Fuck that guy.

No, the kind of epic I mean is the "awesome" kind.



So, I'm kickin' it in the dessert because, you know, what the fuck else am I gonna do when I'm "on vacation" in Nigeria. That Prince asshole still hadn't come with the plane yet, so pretty much the only thing worth doing was to stand around and watch the grass not fucking grow because we were in a goddamn dessert.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, a familiar noise hit my ears. It was the cries and gnarls of animal warfare. That's right, it was a real live Beast Duel.

Don't act so surprised cocksuckers. Act like you've been there before.

I ran (walked) over to where I heard the sound and was greeted with the following Beast Duel:




The Participants: Leopard Vs. Crocodile

The Setting: 20 miles from Still-Fucking-Nowhere, Nigeria

The Duel: FEAST Royale, a variant of Battle Royale in which the victor is awarded the carcass of the subdued, free to take it to its place of dwelling so the babies will have something to nibble on.

The Leopard:

• Body length up to over 6 feet
• Weigh up to 200 pounds
• Pull that sneak-attack shit like velociraptors
• This feline is also renouned enough to have the Mac operating system Leopard named after it, delighting hipster faggots everywhere.
• This creature is also known for its pelt, often seen adorned by divorcees in their late thirties who don't believe in things like "safe words".

Yick.

The Crocodile:

• Size varies by species from 3 to 15 feet
• Jaws comparable to steel, but sometimes let birds chill there

• Don't use moisturizer
• The crocodile is also known for being hunted by that dead dude, being made into awesome briefcases, and starting their own genre of music.
  
  
  
  
  

• Crocodiles also have the indignity of having the ugliest pair of shoes ever named after them.
  

I'll cut to the chase with what I saw. Needless to say, I knew who was gonna win the entire time.















Damn. Pretty fucking badass, and I'm not one easily impressed.

Until next time,
Nick

Hello from Nigeria!

Hey everyone,
I'm in Nigeria right now. Internet is shoddy, so I'll make this shit quick.

By some crazy miracle, a Nigerian Prince actually emailed me and said he was having a brief money crisis and needed to borrow a few grand from me. Am I that fucking sweet that I'm well-known transcontinentally? I don't wanna say yes, but you know what they say about proof and pudding. They go together.

Anyways, the dude said if I could do him that favor, he said he'd repay me ten times that later.

Now, I'm no genius* but that seems like a pretty goddamn good business decision. I emailed Prince Barrister Azeez back to let him know I'd send the money. Not long after I sent it, he said he was having some trouble paying me back. I said "fuck it your highness, it's cool. I'll fly out to see you." I mean, shit, I've always wanted to meet a Prince.

Actually, not really. I couldn't give two sloppy fucks about meeting a prince. Not even this guy:



Or this asshole:



But fuck it, I was aboutsta get paid, knaamsayin**?

So I hopped on a plane



and flew my ass to Nigeria. The Prince is so balla that he said he'd even pay me double what he was gonna AND fly me back to the U.S. on a private jet. The Prince'll probably hook it up with some Cristal like I'm fuckin Puff Daddy or something, too. This whole deal's gotta be the best $5,000 investment I've ever made.

I better wrap this up for now. The Bantus are juntaing or something and it's really fucking with my wireless. Azeez better hurry his royal-ass up with that goddamn plane. Once I get back in the States, I've got some photos to show you from this place, so here's hoping The Prince gets me some transport before I go Idi Amin on his ass. And not in the weird, lazy-eyed, Forest Whitaker way either.

Alright guys, this is Nick signing off from sunny Nigeria.


*yeah right, like anyone believes I'm not a genius
**slang for "Do you know what I am saying?"

Blog Wars!!!!!!!

As a luminary in the field of zoological combat, the world's foremost expert in all assaults in the world of Animalia, it upsets me greatly that there are some that disparage my good word.

Most notably, the offenses I am referring to have been committed by one Justin Cantoni, writer of the aptly titled blog "Things We Don't Remember". It seems that what Justin specifically doesn't remember is Rule #1. I shall post it again for those of you who are hard of having-a-brain.



This seems like one of those things I shouldn't have to do, but Justin has crossed the line one time too many, both foolishly criticizing my beast dueling prowess on my own blog, but also trying to piggy-back his own blog to fame and fortunate by referencing the very blog you are reading right now*.

So how do we retaliate fellow Beast Duelers?

THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW! A fight to the death, blogstyle!

The following are the top five reasons you should never read Justin's blog.

Reason 1. He still hasn't paid me what I am owed from The Wager. Yes, the epic battle between 1,000 penguins and one hefty walrus did occur sometime late last winter. How did it turn out, you ask? Well how the fuck do you think? I righteously declared one and a half years ago that the penguins would be triumphant and goddamn if I wasn't right (no surprise there).



He better pay the fuck up if he knows what's good for him.

Also in some unfortunate news, it seems that penguins have gained a taste for mammal blood. That can't be good. I'm predicting a Mankind vs. Penguinkind 2011 Beast Duel.



God** help us all.

Reason 2. He sells LSD to schoolchildren. Uncalled for.

Reason 3. He has this creepy mancrush on "Bear" Grylls, who has already been verbally disposed of on this blog. To paraphrase, I believe Justin's defense of "Bear" was the following:

• The guy got dysentery***. Congrats, I guess.
  
• He went inside a sheep. Yeah, a British dude inside of a sheep. Think about that one for a second. Now, I'm not saying that Justin supports bestiality. I'm just saying that one time he told me that he "puts the 'best' in bestiality." Fuckin pervert.

• He also went to prove me wrong by saying "Bear" isn't a reference to "fat hirsute gay dudes" but "Teddy Bears." MY FUCKING BAD. I guess we should all revere some cocksucker because he was nicknamed after Teddy fucking Ruxpin.

To be honest, I'd prefer "Bear" Grylls if you could put a cassette tape in his back. Know what I'd play? Audio clips from Survivorman. Now there is a pioneer. Fuck you "Bear" Grylls. You're not worthy of eating the grass in Les Stroud's yard.

Reason 4. All the dude does is complain.

• "Aww, it's cold in the wintertime."

• "Wah, I don't get a second free coffee today."

• "Boo hoo, I beast duel like a bubble boy whose only experience with animals is watching Madagascar."

• "I think I know everything about zombies even though I don't know dick about them and thank you Nick for introducing me to the world of writings by Max Brooks."

• "There's sand lodged deeply inside my stupid vagina and it burns whenever I go to the bathroom because I always forget to pee after intercourse."

Fucking woman. Seriously, there's no reason to read Justin's blog. If you want to see someone constantly bitching about their stupid little problems just watch Sophie's Choice.

Reason 5. The guy walks around with facial hair like he's French or a fucking artist or something. But here's how he really looks:


It's uncanny.

Anywho, to recap:

The Duel: Beast Duels vs. Things Justin Doesn't Remember

The Winner: Do you even need to ask? Beast Duels by a landslide.

Think of the children for fuck's sake. Be responsible. And remember, friend's don't let friends read Justin's blog.

Your brother in beast-dueling solidarity,
Nick


*Granted, this line is great

as long as this world is home to beasts, and humans continue to have the capacity to argue, there will always be beast duels.

**Beastduels.blogspot.com is in no way affiliated with any religious group, especially not the Mormons.

***Ed. note: I could be juvenile and go with a scatological joke here like "does 'Bear' shit in the woods?" but I'll leave jokes that aren't funny to Justin

Man Vs. Wild

Here's a letter from a reader with a Beast Duel suggestion.

Dear Nick,
I was in Ohio recently and I saw you walking around and damn did you look hot. Is it too forward if I say that? I sure hope not. I'm a pretty girl, if that helps.

Anyways, enough about me wanting to bang your brains out which is obvious and expected. I have a problem that has a solution that isn't so obvious. I was watching this show on TV called Man Vs. Wild and was wondering who you think would win in a real beast duel, man or wild?

Your faithful reader,
Confused in Kalamazoo

Kalamazoo? Wow, I didn't even know I had readers in Antigua.

This is a great duel. Man Vs. Wild. The elements vs. homo sapiens. Of course, I don't think what this lovely young slut was referring to was literally humankind vs. the elements. She said she was pretty, but I don't think even a hot girl is that stupid. Clearly one day "Mother Nature" will win out, and we'll all be gone. Fortunately, in our place will evolve some kind of robot-alien-werewolf something that will probably be able to fly and have developed new kick-ass flavors of juice.

No, what CiK was referring to was Bear Grylls vs. the elements. In other words, although he portrays someone on TV who can tame the wild, is he really capable of doing so?

And this brings us to our latest duel:

The Duel: Man vs. Wild

The Wild: I'm sure you're all familiar with the wild. It's where the things are. You know, the wild things. Not the wild thing

or even the other wild thing

You're with me still, right?

Anyways, that's the wild. We know it well.

The Man: So who is this Bear Grylls character anyway? Is it this?



Not exactly. What we have there is a bare grill.

No Bear Grylls is the star of a show called Man Vs. Wild. It's on a TV channel of some sort that I don't care to watch because their beer commercials aren't hilarious. What makes him think he can tame the elements?

• Member of the United Kingdom Special Forces Reserve as a trooper and survival instructor.
• Climbed Mt. Everest
• "he financed and accompanied a team of five Professional British Seamen* on the first unassisted crossing of the north Atlantic Arctic Ocean, in an open rigid inflatable boat. The team battled giant waves, polar bears, icebergs and storms."
• Has his own outdoor clothing line.

Sounds like Nick has made up his mind, amirite?

Wrong.

First of all, great job on being in the British Army or whatever the fuck it was. The British sure have done a great job in the past.

Also, I haven't spent too much time watching his garbage show, but apparently people think he's great because he survives in the wild and drinks his own piss. Yeah, so does the crackhead who dances for sandwiches downtown but he doesn't have his own goddamn TV show. And come on, does anyone really believe he was that dehydrated and close to risking death that he had to rely on his own piss to survive? He could just as easily have gone "hey cameraman, toss me that Aquafina you got." But no, "Bear" is too proud to do that.

Did I mention his name isn't Bear, it's Edward? Yeah. His name is Edward Grylls. And he decided to rename himself after a slang term for a hairy, burly gay dude.

I'm not fucking impressed.

Also, the smug sonofabitch doesn't even stay in the wild, he crashes in hotels. I bet this guy can't even survive nights when all HBO is showing is Princess Diaries 2 and Son of the Mask, let alone survive the fickle, conniving cunt that is the wilderness.

So I hope that answers your question Confused. Gimme a call sometime. I gotta let you know in advance though, I have a business meeting really early in the morning and I'll probably have to leave while you're asleep. I would wake you up before I go, but you need your rest. But don't worry, I'll have had a great time and of course I'll call you sometime. This is just a kind of bad time for me right now, I'm very busy, and it's not you. I know you'll understand. Yes I had a great time(s) last night too.

Take care, gorgeous
--Nick

*lol, professional semen.

To all the haters

In case you forgot



And don't fucking forget it. I will not be trifled with and my holy judgments are not up for debate.

Would you go to John Nash and tell him 2+2 doesn't = 4?

Would you go to Stephen Hawking and say "hey dick, I'm smarter than you because I can walk"?

Would you go to Heidi Klum and say "you look ugly today. Plus your hat looks retarded"?

I DARE SAY YOU WOULD NOT!

So don't come onto BeastDuels and tell me that I'm wrong, or I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Maybe if you shut up and get a little wiser, I might drop a compliment like this your way: "Check out the big brain on Brett! You're a smart motherfucker."

'kay, peace out you Big Kahuna Burger eatin' motherfuckers.
--Nick

Something To Ponder

The band Bear Vs Shark should really just be called Shark.

Some friendly Beast-Dueling advice for the new years

It's 2009 and you know what that means...

Oh. You don't? It means another gruesome and bloody year of beast dueling has passed and a new one is upon us. And since apparently there is a lot of confusion regarding beast dueling and the proper ways to handicap matches, I'm going to share a few tricks of the trade with you all.

First of all, I think we all need to keep in mind that what I say is law. I have never and will never be wrong about a beast duel. Now, is this to say that the result of each duel happens the way it does because I say so, or do I merely know the right answer?

It's hard to say. But either way, disagreeing with me is tantamount to beast duels suicide. It's incredibly important to remember this. You don't want to be at some fancy cocktail party trying to impress the whore you brought and have her overhear you get schooled by the hors d'oeuvres-carrier guy because you were too stupid to think that 300,000 bees couldn't take down a zombie. Not paying attention here just cost you some easy tail. So listen up kids, and remember rule #1

Rule #1: What I say is law.

Okay, we've got the most important rule out of the way, so let's get a little more in depth. What is important to take into account in handicapping a beast duel? Clearly, one of the most significant factors is numbers. Here's why:

John Maynard Smith (dead guy) developed a game theory concept called "war of attrition". According to the mathematical scholarly journal Wikipedia, this is "a model of aggression in which two contestants compete for a resource of value V by persisting while constantly accumulating costs over the time t that the contest lasts." If you're not following me, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyways, the point of this all is that in a beast duel team made of multiple contestants, they can persist longer and accumulate more cost over the same period of time. In layman's terms* this just reflects the axiom regarding "strength in numbers"



Yeh, son. Word.

So keep in mind rule #2:


Rule #2: Generally, there are strength in numbers.


"Oh, but Nick, didn't you have a post where one velociraptor beat its weight in Compsognathuses?"

You pompous little shit. Do I have to remind you about rule #1 already? Do I?! Go back to the top of this and start again, dickface.

Maybe you've never heard the expression "it's the exception that proves the rule." I don't really know what the fuck it means** because it kinda sounds like it's inherently impossible, but regardless, I'm always right so sit down and shut the fuck up before we have our first beast duel of 2009: the back of my hand vs. your fucking face. No matter who wins that, I win.

Anyways, I'll throw you one more bone for the time being as long as you stay quiet and watch your fucking attitude.

Rule #3: Winning is the only thing that matters.


I don't want to sound cliche, but close only matters in horseshoes and hand grenades, right? So if 9 lions fight 11 tigers and a loan tiger survives the match (this documented fact), it doesn't matter that the lions killed more tigers or that the tigers nearly succumbed. The point is that the tigers were victorious. Who cares that the lions just barely came in second?! Who remembers second place? I mean, no one remembers who the hell came in second in the Trojan War, am I right?

Goddamn right I'm right. I'm always right***.

Okay, that's all for now. I hope everyone has a happy new year filled with copious amounts of wonderful dueling.

Until next time,
Nick



*I'm stupiding this down for you
**I actually do understand, but since I'm sure you don't, the online literary magazine Wikipedia explains it better than I care to spend thirty seconds doing. Even though Wikipedia doesn't even bother to tackle the notion that there are multiple definitions to the word "prove" leading to confusion. I claim this as my first of a series of attacks on Wikipedia that will ultimately lead me to claim dominance to it, and subsequently, all of intelligent life on the internet.
***See Rule #1