Most notably, the offenses I am referring to have been committed by one Justin Cantoni, writer of the aptly titled blog "Things We Don't Remember". It seems that what Justin specifically doesn't remember is Rule #1. I shall post it again for those of you who are hard of having-a-brain.
This seems like one of those things I shouldn't have to do, but Justin has crossed the line one time too many, both foolishly criticizing my beast dueling prowess on my own blog, but also trying to piggy-back his own blog to fame and fortunate by referencing the very blog you are reading right now*.
So how do we retaliate fellow Beast Duelers?
THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW! A fight to the death, blogstyle!
The following are the top five reasons you should never read Justin's blog.
Reason 1. He still hasn't paid me what I am owed from The Wager. Yes, the epic battle between 1,000 penguins and one hefty walrus did occur sometime late last winter. How did it turn out, you ask? Well how the fuck do you think? I righteously declared one and a half years ago that the penguins would be triumphant and goddamn if I wasn't right (no surprise there).
He better pay the fuck up if he knows what's good for him.
Also in some unfortunate news, it seems that penguins have gained a taste for mammal blood. That can't be good. I'm predicting a Mankind vs. Penguinkind 2011 Beast Duel.
God** help us all.
Reason 2. He sells LSD to schoolchildren. Uncalled for.
Reason 3. He has this creepy mancrush on "Bear" Grylls, who has already been verbally disposed of on this blog. To paraphrase, I believe Justin's defense of "Bear" was the following:
- The guy got dysentery***. Congrats, I guess.
- He went inside a sheep. Yeah, a British dude inside of a sheep. Think about that one for a second. Now, I'm not saying that Justin supports bestiality. I'm just saying that one time he told me that he "puts the 'best' in bestiality." Fuckin pervert.
- He also went to prove me wrong by saying "Bear" isn't a reference to "fat hirsute gay dudes" but "Teddy Bears." MY FUCKING BAD. I guess we should all revere some cocksucker because he was nicknamed after Teddy fucking Ruxpin.
To be honest, I'd prefer "Bear" Grylls if you could put a cassette tape in his back. Know what I'd play? Audio clips from Survivorman. Now there is a pioneer. Fuck you "Bear" Grylls. You're not worthy of eating the grass in Les Stroud's yard.
Reason 4. All the dude does is complain.
- "Aww, it's cold in the wintertime."
- "Wah, I don't get a second free coffee today."
- "Boo hoo, I beast duel like a bubble boy whose only experience with animals is watching Madagascar."
- "I think I know everything about zombies even though I don't know dick about them and thank you Nick for introducing me to the world of writings by Max Brooks."
- "There's sand lodged deeply inside my stupid vagina and it burns whenever I go to the bathroom because I always forget to pee after intercourse."
Reason 5. The guy walks around with facial hair like he's French or a fucking artist or something. But here's how he really looks:
It's uncanny.
Anywho, to recap:
The Duel: Beast Duels vs. Things Justin Doesn't Remember
The Winner: Do you even need to ask? Beast Duels by a landslide.
Think of the children for fuck's sake. Be responsible. And remember, friend's don't let friends read Justin's blog.
Your brother in beast-dueling solidarity,
Nick
*Granted, this line is great
as long as this world is home to beasts, and humans continue to have the capacity to argue, there will always be beast duels.**Beastduels.blogspot.com is in no way affiliated with any religious group, especially not the Mormons.
***Ed. note: I could be juvenile and go with a scatological joke here like "does 'Bear' shit in the woods?" but I'll leave jokes that aren't funny to Justin
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