Just got back from Nigeria. No, I don't wanna fucking talk about it, so don't ask. Nosy pricks. Maybe you should mind your own goddamn business for once.
Oh, the pictures? Right.
I saw some epic shit over there. And not "epic" like some 4-hour piece of tripe vomited out by Peter fucking Jackson. That guy's just horrible. Seriously, if there was a script called "Nick Knocks Boots With Jessica Alba and Megan Fox While Hannah Montana Assassinates the President with a Blender" and that useless douche directed it, it would be boring as shit.
C'mon. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was longer than Shoah. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does he think some piece of shit story about elves, gay wizards and haunted jewelry is more significant than the extermination of millions of people?
Fuck that guy.
No, the kind of epic I mean is the "awesome" kind.
So, I'm kickin' it in the dessert because, you know, what the fuck else am I gonna do when I'm "on vacation" in Nigeria. That Prince asshole still hadn't come with the plane yet, so pretty much the only thing worth doing was to stand around and watch the grass not fucking grow because we were in a goddamn dessert.
Suddenly, from off in the distance, a familiar noise hit my ears. It was the cries and gnarls of animal warfare. That's right, it was a real live Beast Duel.
Don't act so surprised cocksuckers. Act like you've been there before.
I ran (walked) over to where I heard the sound and was greeted with the following Beast Duel:
The Participants: Leopard Vs. Crocodile
The Setting: 20 miles from Still-Fucking-Nowhere, Nigeria
The Duel: FEAST Royale, a variant of Battle Royale in which the victor is awarded the carcass of the subdued, free to take it to its place of dwelling so the babies will have something to nibble on.
The Leopard:
- Body length up to over 6 feet
- Weigh up to 200 pounds
- Pull that sneak-attack shit like velociraptors
- This feline is also renouned enough to have the Mac operating system Leopard named after it, delighting hipster faggots everywhere.
- This creature is also known for its pelt, often seen adorned by divorcees in their late thirties who don't believe in things like "safe words".
Yick.
The Crocodile:
- Size varies by species from 3 to 15 feet
- Jaws comparable to steel, but sometimes let birds chill there
- Don't use moisturizer
- The crocodile is also known for being hunted by that dead dude, being made into awesome briefcases, and starting their own genre of music.
- Crocodiles also have the indignity of having the ugliest pair of shoes ever named after them.
I'll cut to the chase with what I saw. Needless to say, I knew who was gonna win the entire time.
Damn. Pretty fucking badass, and I'm not one easily impressed.
Until next time,
Nick
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