On Television

I watched part of Kill Bill (Part I) yesterday on TV.  I think it's important that I start off by pointing out that watching a movie being played on TV is like ordering a hot dog instead of steak because you don't want to go through the extra effort of adding "...medium rare".  It's just a lazy thing to do.  I'm not proud of that decision, but what was I supposed to do... watch commercials?

I changed the channel at the scene when O-Ren Ishii says this:

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!

Of course, since it was on TV, what she actually said was

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your <...> head. Just like this sucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the <...> time!

Really?  Really.  We can't just say fuck on TV?  I guess I can understand.  It was early on a Saturday evening.  No one wants impressionable young children channel surfing being exposed to foul language like that.  It's a responsibility of ours-- as Americans-- to protect our young ones.

Oh yeah, did I mention they didn't do anything to edit out the fucking severed head?

Jesus christ.  Enough of that.  Had to switch back to the Seinfeld commercials.  I saw an infomercial for this:

Remember this $50 coin they made out of 24 carat gold?  Neither do I, but apparently you can buy them for ten bucks on TV.  What a fucking steal. 

And by "buy them", of course I mean shoddy replicas with "COPY" written on the Native-American gentleman's head on the other side.  Classy.

The commercial ends with the claim that you should purchase this shit to "avoid disappointment and future regret".  I'm sorry, but how is buying a fake coin going to help me avoid disappointment? Does it time travel and prevent me from getting a joint bank account with my fiancee a week after we got engaged and a week before she spent more on chapstick than I'm willing to spend on a DVD?

So Kill Bill on TV and commercials both let me down.  Time to run though, I'm gonna watch Human Centipede on Turner Classic Movies.  I hope they don't do anything horrible in it like say the word shit.

Period Movies

I was watching Jeopardy recently, and a category came up called Period Movies.

The answers to the questions ended up being things like Year One*.   They were NOT films such as the following:

• 28 Days
• 28 Days Later
• 127 Hours
• Monster
• A River Runs Through It
• The Crying Game
• Red Dragon
• Six Days, Seven Nights
• Scent of a Woman
• The Sting
• Red Dawn
• Crimson Tide
• Pretty In Pink
• Blood Diamond
• The Fountain
• Trainspotting
• The Wrath of Khan
• Raging Bull
• Very Bad Things
• Unstoppable
• The Hurt Locker
• The Fighter
• Malice
• True Grit
• Snatch
• There Will Be Blood
• Blood Sport
• The Thin Red Line
• Sense and Sensibility
• Life Is Beautiful
• Reality Bites
• Hot Fuzz
• Blood Simple
• First Blood
• Misery
• Anger Management

*seriously? Year One?  Year One.  That made it onto a Jeopardy episode? This garbage should be bleached out of our entire cultural awareness.  If aliens ever come to Earth, they won't hesitate to enslave us because they'll know we're retarded and can't take care of ourselves.

James Bond v. Jason Bourne v. John McClane

Let me start off by stating that all of the 3 very non-fictional characters in today's duel are unlikely to ever battle one another.  They're all technically on the same side; the fight against tyranny, oppression, and villains with either bad accents or bad mustaches.

So, to begin our analysis...

James Bond

Pros:

• Gets all the ladies
• Drives fancy cars
• Is British and shit

Drawbacks:  too dependent on flashy gadgets.  When he's left without gadgets, he ends up getting his junk smashed repeatedly with soap-on-a-rope by this lazy-eyed dork:

 
He also has to deal with stupid women with names like Christmas and Pussy.  He was also played by this guy (can't even post the picture on this website, out of shame)

Jason Bourne:

Pros:

• Knows how far he could run, given a known altitude
• Access to a few dozen different passports
• I'm pretty sure he ends up owning a surf shop, but I might be thinking of Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption

Drawbacks: His claim to fame is that he's forgotten a bunch of shit.  That's not exactly a trait I hold highly for international men of mystery.  I've had bouts of retrograde amnesia too; it's called fucking college.

I mean, christ, I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast and I've only been awake a couple hours.  Shit, if forgetting stuff makes you just shy of a superhero every senior citizen would be running around in a fucking cape.

John McClane

Pros:

• Defeats broken glass merely with his feet
• Killed Severus Snape
• Coined the following...

Drawbacks:  He's basically a regular cop, he's broke with no friends or family, and is kind of an asshole.  Or as I like to call it, "he's a cop".

Still, the fact that he has 1) no money 2) no Q to give him gadgets and 3) doesn't have to go to the abortion of a continent that is Europe makes John an easy winner here.

Plus, his daughter looks like this...

...but still managed to be kind of badass in Live Free or Die Hard.

Suit Up!

This is what happens when I suit up and comb my hair...

Fucking brutal.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

The following comes courtesy of the Pulitzer Prize winning (maybe?) book Who Would Win: A Guide to Great Imaginary Showdowns.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

Gandhi is famous for ~fighting for Indian independence, not eating, and looking uncomfortably like Ben Kingsley.  The guy's really an inspiration.  I haven't eaten in like six hours and would definitely succumb to  imperialists if I found out my microwave didn't work.

Plus, fuck the British.  I had to listen to people talk about that fucking wedding for like six months.  I went to a wedding last week that only took 20 minutes and I thought that was boring as hell.  It's  beyond me why any self-respecting human would get up at 3 in the goddamn morning to watch the wedding of a monarchy we don't even subscribe to.

I feel like someone should point out to the British that their hats are ugly.

Christ.  Prince William has literally done less to get famous than the fucking Kardashians.

Then there's Mother Teresa.  She is a step shy of being canonized after the miracle of curing cancer that 1) probably wasn't even cancer and 2) was being treated medically.  Talk about a true divine intervention.

No, I didn't steal this joke from Bill Hicks

She has also helped the poor by keeping them poor but making them Catholic.  She's also notable for being against birth control and abortions, which doesn't really matter because no one would fuck her anyway.

So who would win?  Probably Mother Teresa.  Gandhi wouldn't survive much more than a fierce head-butting.  Plus, she has Edward Norton on her side.

"Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger"

Adios,
Nick

Horsies!

So yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, which I somehow stumbled upon and got to watch the last couple hundred yards from 30 different fucking vantage points.  I get it.  The horse crossed the finish line first.  It's not gonna fucking change when you switch to the aerial view.

The winner of the 2011 Beast Duels-sponsored Kentucky Derby was called Animal Kingdom, which I'm pretty sure was named after an Australian movie with plot holes so gaping I'm pretty sure they fucking bend light.

When the race ended, the interviewed the winning jockey-- which is a horribly named profession.  It's bad enough they're all short and squirrely, but their job doesn't need to conjure up images of goddamn tighty whities.  So they're interviewing this short cocksucker and they ask him about his racing strategy.

The jockey.  No shit.

His strategy?!  "Uh, I sat on the horse.  And then... kept doing it."  Can't wait for the Lifetime story about that dude.  It'll be like A Beautiful Mind Part II.

I can't imagine anything more unnecessary than a jockey.  It's a horse race.  Just let the horses go.  They're in narrow lanes, it's not like they're gonna get turned around.

The worst part of the whole Kentucky Derby ordeal was when I realized that that horse's ejaculate was worth more than my fucking brand new car.  Brutal.

Literary fan fic

These are fan-fics of famous literature I want to read:

Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finngerbang
Joyce's U-Lick-these
Nabakov's Blowlita
Heller's Snatch-22
George Orwell's 1969
Dostoevsky's The Brothers Came-amazov
David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Chest
Melville's Black Moby Dick
Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Cunt (and in a similar vein, Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Cunter)
Margaret Atwood's The Handjob's Tale
Thomas Hardy's Lewd the Obscure
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Poon Hound of the Baskervilles
Flaubert's Madame Ovary
Burgess' A Cockwork Orange
Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Alabian Nights
Dickens' Great Sexpectations
Hemingway's For Whom the Balls Toll

Feel free to add your own

Chewbacca vs. Five Averagely Strengthed People

We all know Chewbacca, right?  The tall thing who looks vaguely like Bigfoot, but also kinda something from a beef jerky commercial?  So let's take Chewbacca (of Star Wars fame) and pit him against some people.

What a wookiee!

Why Chewbacca, you may ask.  How about because he's one of the most badass creatures in film history.  Want proof?  He makes being a wookiee sound fearful.  A wookiee.  Compare this to that cocktard pussy Russell Brand who ~wrote something and called it My Booky Wook.

Ugh.  Seriously?  Fuck that grimy British piece of shit.  I bet that dude constantly smells like soup.  Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming.  Fuck you.  The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.

So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength.  I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand.  Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough.  Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.

CGI is a hell of a drug

Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans

This is clearly Chewbacca.  I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...

1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it

Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity.  He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem.  The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing. 

Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity:  he would fuck that shit up.

Peace
--NLF

Not a duel: Gun Rant

Since there aren't enough duels in the world to conduct, and since I need to rant so much that not even the idiots in real life and professional retards I'm friends with on Facebook can satiate me, I'm going to expand the Beast Duels blog a bit.

So let's get started with...

Gun Rant

You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?



How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?

People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...

In Baltimore today, more gang-related turf battles leave three gang members and two civilians dead after a drive-by Judo chopping.

If movies have taught me anything (and with the amount I've seen, how could they not), the only way to kill someone with your hands is by putting a pillow over their face for thirty seconds. I'm skeptical as to whether that shit is real though-- otherwise, I think that would mean that falling asleep on your stomach is technically attempted suicide. Aside from that, hands are just tools for pulling triggers and something about sex.

Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.