Nick Vs. Some Douche

It's currently a lazy Sunday, raining, and the last day of Spring Break. Perfect day to go see a movie.

Unfortunately, it's March which means every movie in theaters right now probably sucks whale cock.

They have those, right?

Anyways, I was really excited for Watchmen to come out after having read the book and seeing the trailer with the awesome Smashing Pumpkins song. But then it came out and I still haven't seen it.

Maybe the Smashing Pumpkins song also being in Batman and Robin somehow conditioned me to want to stay away from anything associated with that song. Seriously, that movie was gayer than going to see Milk with Clay Aiken.

I don't think that's it, though; I'm not really the type to hold a grudge, right?

I'm pretty sure the reason I still haven't gone to see Watchmen can be summed up in two words, equaling one gigantic douche: Zack Snyder.



Right now, you're probably saying to yourself "Who the fuck is that? It looks like the genetically engineered gay love-child of Dexter and Seth Meyers."

IF FUCKING ONLY. At least then we'd be provided with Weekend-Update-hilarity while simultaneously having vigilante justice being enacted on those who managed to escape the worthless bitchslap of the law.

But no, Zack Snyder is the moron behind such abysmal films as 300. This asshole took an awesome graphic novel and great cinematography and somehow managed to end up with one of the most detestable movies ever made. I think this movie was the first time I ever rolled my eyes at a sex scene. That should speak volumes.

It is literally impossible for anyone to like this movie and have an above average IQ. There's just no goddamn way.

Zack Snyder's been on my shit list before 300 came out though. Why?

Because that dumb motherfucker thought he was so important that he should remake Dawn of the Dead.



What the fuck would ever make him think that's a good idea? Like it could be improved upon or something?

What the hell Zack Snyder, you arrogant little prick. You think you're so goddamn important that you can go around and just remake whatever you want? You asshole. This isn't fucking Death Race that you remade, it was a horror movie classic. Jesus fucking christ, you don't mess with the classics. I mean think about it. It's not like there's someone out there that's so delusional and arrogant that they're gonna remake the fucking Bible or something.

So the eternal struggle continues. Am I in the mood to see the fantastic tale of washed up superheroes, corruption, and betrayal... get anally violated by arguably the worst director of this generation?

Only time will tell. The only thing I'm sure of is this: the outcome of Beast Duels vs. Zack Snyder. I shouldn't need to elaborate. Let's just say if his career was a person, I'd kick it in the face and then drown it in a kiddie pool filled with its own blood.

God I hate that guy.

Later bitches,
Nick

Jaguar Vs. Snake

Woooo more spring break! You know what that means...

More dueling. Who could ask for anything more, amirite? Let's get right to it.

The Competitors: 200 lb Jaguar vs. 300 lb Snake

Wait a minute. A jungle cat fighting a snake? This seems oddly familiar, doesn't it? I can't quite put my finger on it...



Oh, right, right. That. How did that turn out in animated form?



I think having your entire body contract scoliosis pretty much means you lost, Kaa. So we've got the opinion of Disney, but you know what? Fuck Disney. We beast duel the old-fashioned way, don't we? So we're going to witness this beast duel ourselves; you can eat your heart out, Rudyard Kipling. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you dead racist douche.

Let's just analyze the different styles of fighting these two creatures will tend to employ. One will be coming out with bites and scratches; the other with vicious choke-holds and strangulation.

Actually, that sounds kinda like what Spring break's been like for me, if you catch my drift*.

Annnnyways, back to the duel. You kids should feel lucky today. Privileged, even. Because I have a fucking awesome gift for you. What could it possibly be?

It's video of this duel! And not just any video. Video with awful narration but the most fucking epic soundtrack that filmstrips from the 1950's can provide. Let's check this shit out.

That jaguar pretty much kicked ass. Narrator-dude says he was at risk of being choked to death or something, but I don't think he has any idea what he's talking about. Sir David Attenborough would've definitely done a better job.

So kudos to you, giant kitty. You managed to take down a creature that severely outweighed you and had no arms. I only hope that someday if I'm ever in a skirmish with a 400 pounded handicapped guy, I can thrive with a similar flair.

Til next time,
Nick

*c'mon. Think about it dummy.

Back To Dueling

So I wake up this morning and the whole world's a little foggy. Spring break, bitches! I'm all like Miami Beach or Tijuana up in this bee-snatch, only I'm actually in sunny-fucking-Akron, Ohio. Home of LeBron James!!!! Woooo!1!!!

He totally throws the 3D version of a circle into the 2D version of a circle better than almost every other tall guy out there. I'm seriously proud to be from this place just because of him. I mean, we must have so much in common just because we have lived in the same city. I bet he's even gotten flat tires driving down Portage Path because the mayor is a'ight with leaving potholes the size of Sarah Jessica Parker's nose in the streets.

Christ, the mayor. What an asshole. After 9/11, he sent fliers out door-to-door saying that campaign finance reform fuels terrorism*. I think he actually meant poor people, but hey, it's not like either demographic is going to donate in excess of the $300 legally allowed like other people so what's the fucking diff anyway, right Plusquellic?

But I digress. I wake up this morning and check out my phone and the following note is written in it:

Killer whale vs 3 alligators

Incredible. It's like I just drink and someone else does the work for me**. Let's dive right in***.

The Competitors: Killer Whale vs. Three Alligators

The Duel: Battle Royale: Fight to the Death

The Setting: I dunno. Watery something.

Killer Whale Facts:

• Aka "Orca", "Blackfish" or the totally badass "Seawolf"
• Super cuddly in plush Shamu form, sometimes go manhunting in non-plush form
• Weigh about six tons
  
  
  
  
  

Alligator Facts:
I'm not even gonna bother. I mean, sometimes I think alligators are pretty hardcore. Like the time they jacked the shit out of a wildebeest. That was pretty nuts.

But other times, alligators are gigantic vaginas. Like that time they got bitched out by maybe the snuggliest creature known to mankind.

Seriously, this shit is no contest. The fifteen otters have a better shot against the Seawolf.

The Winner: Killer whale.

And it's not even close.

It's got killer in its name, for fuck's sake. This one isn't even open for discussion people.

It's spring break, so I'll see you soon.
--Nick

* this is 100% true
**thanks for the idea Nate
*** pun was also for Nate

Chris Brown Vs. Rihanna

Lol, jk.

Seriously, what kind of asshole do you people think I am?

25 Things

I keep reading this shit in my Facebook feed:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

It's like a fucking chain-letter gone awry that I can't even ignore. Seriously. My stupid feed is chock-full of that shit.

Anyways, I'm bored and uninspired so I'm going to name things until I either reach 25, or get bored. I'm also not tagging any of you, because I don't want to know more about you. You're here on my blog, where the focus is on me. If you can't deal with that, move to fucking Russia.

1. There are nations that worship Beast Duels as a deity. All other nations will crumble and are doomed to eternal damnation.
2. I check Justin's blog hourly and telepathically remind him I'm an exponentially better blogger than he is.
3. A hooker in Atlantic City refused to have her picture taken with me.
4. She kinda looked like this:
   
5. I could probably play some guitar like Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson or some shit if I wanted to, but I don't do it because I'm not a douchebag.
6. Not to keep harping on how awful M. "Night" Shyamalan is, but if that cocksucker wanted to make a movie with a crazy plot-twist ending, what he should do is when the movie ends, have it not suck. Or fuck it, just not make me want to kill myself.
7. I'm aware these are all supposed to be about me. I'm willing to deal with the consequences of disobeying chain letters. I got a bomb-shelter to hide out in, just in case. Don't worry about me, bitches.
   
8. Remember when the dude on the ten dollar bill got shot? That shit is like beast duels, American History style.
9. I wish that pandas got pissed off more often. That'd really spice shit up around here.
10. If I found a baby T. rex, I'd totally keep it and be willing to face the consequences of raising it poorly.
11. I'd have no idea who the hell Kim Kardashian is if she didn't videotape herself getting fucked.
12. How terrible are people who think the movie Crash was good? I know you won't answer, so I'll tell you: really fucking terrible. That movie is so awful. It's like Love Actually, but they replaced Keira Knightley with racism.
    
13. Justin and Jake have continued to share their poor Beast Dueling skills by trying to posit that a zombie could defeat its weight in bees. I'm not gonna even bother justifying their poor opinions with my logic behind my decree. Let's just say I know for a fact that they're wrong. I'm not legally allowed to disclose any more than that.
    
14. How fucking hilarious is tetanus?
15. I can't believe you people are really reading all this.
16. If you've ever seen a picture of HPV in a male, it basically looks like someone fucked a jar of strawberry jelly.
17. It's not often that I want to be the ocean. This is one of those rare moments. (may be not safe for work).
18. This dude fucking rocks.
19. So do these guys (on a poker site, but not about poker).
20. You're seriously still reading this? I'm not even reading this. This shit has seriously taken me like two weeks to write because I get bored every time I name something else.
21. I wonder if I'll finish writing this before Patrick Swayze dies.
    
22. "If you watch Jeopardy! backwards, it's a show about rich people paying money for answers to stupid questions."
23. I decided I'm against legalizing marijuana. Not because I think it's wrong or dangerous, but because if it's legal, a lot of people are gonna fucking piss me off.
24. This poster has actually found its way into being used in my day to day eSlang.
    
25. This was a waste of time. It seriously took me over a month to write all this. You basically just got robbed of like five minutes. Good luck trying to get it back.
    

Catch you dummies later,
--Nick

A Two-Fer!

Maybe you guys read the news every once in a while. For those of you who can't, let me tell you what's going on in a segment I like to call "This Week In Beast Duels".

For this week's This Week In Beast Duels.... eh, fuck it. Let's call it "Beast Duels In The News."

For this week's Beast Duels In The News, we've got a two-fer for you guys.

Round 1:

The Competitors: Travis the Chimp + Borrelia burgdorferi* vs. some woman's face

Let's start with a few photos of the competitors:

Travis:


Borrelia:


That lady:


According to the 911 phone call, the monkey "ripped her face off." I've seen a number of beast duels in my day, but a chimp goin Buffalo Bill on some woman is pretty uncalled for. I mean, what would make a monkey go so bananas?!

I suppose that joke was in poor taste. Still, I can't help but wonder if a maneuver like this would've worked better for the lady.

Goddamn is it gonna be warm down there in hell. It's alright, stick with me. I have one of those mini-fans that shoots mist. And a lifetime supply of AAA batteries. Anyways, as much as I hate to admit it, round one goes to Monkey + spirochete**.

Which brings us to Round 2:

The Competitors: Travis the Monkey + Borrelia burgdorferi vs. A Gun



The winner: Well no shit geniuses, it's the fucking gun. The cops killed that stupid monkey.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it PETA? Huh?!

Oh. Right. Wow, those people really are fucking assholes. Of course, they haven't so much as once made a peep about this blog. Fucking pansies. They couldn't handle a blog war versus us. Seriously, what would they do? Throw red paint on me? Didn't they see what happened in Carrie? You really don't wanna fuck with that kinda stuff, PETA. Yeah, I'm talkin to you. I'm ready to go Sissy-Spacek all up in your shit.

I mean, I'm not gonna be a sissy, but... well, you follow me.

Anyways, PETA aside, I do think it was a little unnecessary for the cops to shoot Travis. Seriously, they know you can just treat Lyme disease with amoxicillin, right? I mean, Christ, when kids show up with sore throats, the doctor doesn't pull a snub nose out of his boot and let loose on the diseased little fucker.

But regardless, that's done with. We here at Beast Duels would like to wish the woman well on her recovery. We also hope that she doesn't let this horrible, unfortunate incident affect her psychologically for the rest of her life. We don't want her going around with a chimp on her shoulder***.

That's all folks. I'll catch you guys later.
--Nick

*Lyme disease, dummies
**I'm just using these terms so that my medical knowledge will for once actually be put to use.
***I'm hilarious.

The Swarm

Let's talk about bees again.

Bees are a fucking Beast Dueling goldmine. They're small, they can fly, and they live almost everywhere*. I mean, the list goes on and on.

And they're evil. Real fucking evil. Remember what they did to that kid in My Girl?



THEY FUCKING KILLED HIM. A child! Bees murdered a fucking child. I never saw Akeelah and the Bee, but I'm sure they kill the little girl in that too.



Seriously, people talk about how evil Jack the Ripper was, but all that dude did was strangle whores. I mean, c'mon, who hasn't been with a whore and wanted to choke 'em a little bit. That guy just had the cajones to act on his convictions.

But children? For shame, bees. For shame.

I mean, for chrissakes, even Wu Tang has known about bees for over ten years.



We have to be on the alert people. I'm pretty worried here, because if the bees smarten up, we might be seeing this on the front page of the New York Times.

The Duelers: Bees vs. The World

The Duel: Battle Royale, a fight to the death

The Victor: Bees

Granted, we'll all be dead so instead of being written in English, it'll be written in fuckin honeycombs or some shit. That's not the point. This is a call to motherfucking arms people. We have to act, and soon. Who knows when the bees will evolve to be able to read the written word. And if and when that day comes, we, as a species, are boned.

Seriously bitches, watch your backs.
--Nick

*that matters

Leopard Vs. Crocodile

Hey everyone,
Just got back from Nigeria. No, I don't wanna fucking talk about it, so don't ask. Nosy pricks. Maybe you should mind your own goddamn business for once.

Oh, the pictures? Right.

I saw some epic shit over there. And not "epic" like some 4-hour piece of tripe vomited out by Peter fucking Jackson. That guy's just horrible. Seriously, if there was a script called "Nick Knocks Boots With Jessica Alba and Megan Fox While Hannah Montana Assassinates the President with a Blender" and that useless douche directed it, it would be boring as shit.

C'mon. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was longer than Shoah. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does he think some piece of shit story about elves, gay wizards and haunted jewelry is more significant than the extermination of millions of people?

Fuck that guy.

No, the kind of epic I mean is the "awesome" kind.



So, I'm kickin' it in the dessert because, you know, what the fuck else am I gonna do when I'm "on vacation" in Nigeria. That Prince asshole still hadn't come with the plane yet, so pretty much the only thing worth doing was to stand around and watch the grass not fucking grow because we were in a goddamn dessert.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, a familiar noise hit my ears. It was the cries and gnarls of animal warfare. That's right, it was a real live Beast Duel.

Don't act so surprised cocksuckers. Act like you've been there before.

I ran (walked) over to where I heard the sound and was greeted with the following Beast Duel:




The Participants: Leopard Vs. Crocodile

The Setting: 20 miles from Still-Fucking-Nowhere, Nigeria

The Duel: FEAST Royale, a variant of Battle Royale in which the victor is awarded the carcass of the subdued, free to take it to its place of dwelling so the babies will have something to nibble on.

The Leopard:

• Body length up to over 6 feet
• Weigh up to 200 pounds
• Pull that sneak-attack shit like velociraptors
• This feline is also renouned enough to have the Mac operating system Leopard named after it, delighting hipster faggots everywhere.
• This creature is also known for its pelt, often seen adorned by divorcees in their late thirties who don't believe in things like "safe words".

Yick.

The Crocodile:

• Size varies by species from 3 to 15 feet
• Jaws comparable to steel, but sometimes let birds chill there

• Don't use moisturizer
• The crocodile is also known for being hunted by that dead dude, being made into awesome briefcases, and starting their own genre of music.
  
  
  
  
  

• Crocodiles also have the indignity of having the ugliest pair of shoes ever named after them.
  

I'll cut to the chase with what I saw. Needless to say, I knew who was gonna win the entire time.















Damn. Pretty fucking badass, and I'm not one easily impressed.

Until next time,
Nick

Hello from Nigeria!

Hey everyone,
I'm in Nigeria right now. Internet is shoddy, so I'll make this shit quick.

By some crazy miracle, a Nigerian Prince actually emailed me and said he was having a brief money crisis and needed to borrow a few grand from me. Am I that fucking sweet that I'm well-known transcontinentally? I don't wanna say yes, but you know what they say about proof and pudding. They go together.

Anyways, the dude said if I could do him that favor, he said he'd repay me ten times that later.

Now, I'm no genius* but that seems like a pretty goddamn good business decision. I emailed Prince Barrister Azeez back to let him know I'd send the money. Not long after I sent it, he said he was having some trouble paying me back. I said "fuck it your highness, it's cool. I'll fly out to see you." I mean, shit, I've always wanted to meet a Prince.

Actually, not really. I couldn't give two sloppy fucks about meeting a prince. Not even this guy:



Or this asshole:



But fuck it, I was aboutsta get paid, knaamsayin**?

So I hopped on a plane



and flew my ass to Nigeria. The Prince is so balla that he said he'd even pay me double what he was gonna AND fly me back to the U.S. on a private jet. The Prince'll probably hook it up with some Cristal like I'm fuckin Puff Daddy or something, too. This whole deal's gotta be the best $5,000 investment I've ever made.

I better wrap this up for now. The Bantus are juntaing or something and it's really fucking with my wireless. Azeez better hurry his royal-ass up with that goddamn plane. Once I get back in the States, I've got some photos to show you from this place, so here's hoping The Prince gets me some transport before I go Idi Amin on his ass. And not in the weird, lazy-eyed, Forest Whitaker way either.

Alright guys, this is Nick signing off from sunny Nigeria.


*yeah right, like anyone believes I'm not a genius
**slang for "Do you know what I am saying?"