Sam Jackson, eat your heart out

This is just awesome:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8327213.stm?ls

In the most ridiculous attempt at life-imitates-art, a dude straps a dozen snakes to his body and boards an airplane.



This shit is like the beginning of that Indiana Jones movie.



Of course, his complete lack of running-a-terrorist-organization and trying-to-kill-the-sole-witness-in-the-trial-to-convict-you-of-murder makes him a lot less badass that Hawaiian dude in Snakes on a Plane.

Somewhere, Christina Ricci is just glad this dude didn't want to recreate Black Snake Moan. And considering how fucking retarded that movie looked, so am I.

Til next time,
NF

An Open Letter to President Barack Obama, Courtesy of Beast Duels

Hello,

I am here today not as the god and master of all that is Beast-Dueling, but as a concerned American citizen.

President Obama, there are some events in our nation's recent history that still have not been properly handled. Horrifying and gruesome events that still leave Americans upset and on edge. A tragedy that, even when unspoken of, still lingers in the back of our minds.

I remember when I first witnessed it like it was yesterday. The traumatic event is still crisp in my mind, as I am sure it is in everyone's. I recall turning on the television and reeling in horror. Why would anyone do this? I am aware that the perception of America by other nations around the world is of a country full of greed and corruption; a society of idle godless heathens willing to tear down weaker countries just to save a few cents per gallon of gas. But what had we done to deserve this?

And yet, so little has been done since that time. So little has been done to find the true culprits and bring them to justice. Many feel that something far more sinister than even meets the eye may have occurred, as conspiracy theorists are want to suggest. But I have more faith than that. I believe in America.

But, Mr. President, there is no denying that far too little has been done to right the injustices that we have suffered as Americans-- nay, as human beings. Some say "never forget," but I for one would like to have the issue settled and put to rest so that I may at last reach peace and perhaps be able to forget, even if for a moment.

President Obama, you were elected on a platform of change; Yes We Can was the battle cry of millions a short few months ago. So why are we still waiting?

I ask you, beg you, Mr. President, we need and demand change. If you spoke the truth, if your favorite film really is The Godfather, then why have you not erased all available records of The Godfather Part III from ever existing? Seriously, that movie sucks giant fucking dick.

A faithful American citizen who still has hope,
NF

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

No time to fuck around people, let's get right to it:

Man vs. Jellyfish

You all know jellyfish, right?



They look pretty harmless and lame, but supposedly they can pack a ridiculous poison. Either that or that slutty girl I met just had me piss on her for fun. Also, how do you get stung by a jellyfish when you're hanging out behind a Denny's?

Anyways. Remember the movie Sphere? That wonderful thinkpiece with Samuel L Jackson and Sharon Stone? Yeah, it was awful, but at least it had Queen Latifah getting mauled by a few hundred jellyfish.

But aside from a magical giant circle from space, that movie was mostly fiction. Can a jellyfish really kill a person?

I'm going to say yes, and here's why. How the fuck do you kill a jellyfish? At first I was thinking you could dry it out by pouring salt on it like a snail, but christ, it lives in fucking salt water. What else would you do, punch it? That'd be like punching a marshmallow. Marshmallows cannot be killed. Shit, you can even put some peeps in the microwave and they're just encouraged to fight it out.



Fuck that. I mean, some types of jellyfish are called man o' wars. Man himself isn't even named that. They just fucking one-up us in title alone.

I'm staying out of jellyfishes way. Because they might kill me and that'd suck, but the worst part would be dying at the hands of something that was named after part of a sandwich.

Later bitches,
NF

Rocky XIV

So I've been doing surgery for the last two months, and the constant sight of blood and guts has made me pretty tranquil. I'd reached some kind of zen-like docility just taking in all of the controlled violence of the ORs. That was ruined today when the radio in one of the rooms played a fucking Sugar Ray song and now I wanna fucking kill someone.

Anyways, I now bring you a Beast Duel recommended ages ago by Jake:

Sylvester Stallone vs. a Gorilla

Of course, when looking at Stallone, it depends on what Stallone you're getting. I mean, with Rocky he really set a precedent that someone who is basically retarded can succeed in an athletic endeavor, and there have been a number of examples since then.





And then there are films like Over the Top, which in my opinion is definitely in the top three arm-wrestling films of all time. Just fantastic work. He also was superb Daylight, where he showed that when you're stuck in a tunnel with Sly, you're not fucking stuck at all. The walls of that bitch were just waiting to crumble underneath his holy grip.

Then there was horseshit like Rocky Balboa, where the character Rocky, a useless, has-been boxer tries to prove to the world that he still has a semblance of worth. Unfortunately, it was played by Sylvester Stallone, a useless, has-been actor trying to prove to the world he still had a semblance of worth.*

So we take an amalgam of these characters and have it go up against a gorrila. I'm thinking somewhere between this:



and this**



So if we take the fucking horrible Peter Jackson version out of the equation, I think gorilla is a clear winner. I mean, I know it's impressive that Rocky Balboa can occasionally win a boxing match, but for fuck's sake, he's never torn down buildings before.

So congratulations gorilla, you deserve it. And I really hope Jake didn't mean "guerillas" or I'm gonna feel pretty stupid for not mentioning First Blood.

Later bitches,
NF

*stole this joke
** or this

Asian Children

Hey there. It's been a while and I kind of forget how to do this, so let's just jump right in.

So this Jon and Kate Plus 8 bullshit is really getting out of hand. I went grocery shopping tonight and every tabloid newspaper is so deeply engorged into that dumb slut's junk that they're one Kegel away from being her ninth fucking child.



I'm honestly pretty appalled by this woman. Not because she's a psycho hose beast; I mean, I've never even seen that stupid show. I'm a busy man who has better shows to spend his time on. And I could give a shit that these two are getting a divorce or that Jon banged some 19 year old co-ed on Kate's birthday. That's their fucking business.

No, what's disgusting is that this woman has had eight motherfucking children. Jesus Christ, I don't even have to think about theology anymore because I know that when I finally die and go to hell, I'm just going to that stupid house with all those whiny little critters running around.

Eight children. What the fuck. One time in little league our team won a game with 6 players on the field. She's had more kids fall out of her than I had on my fucking baseball team.

Why would you even want that many kids? Unless they're making Air fucking Jordans in the rec room there is absolutely no reason for that many Asian kids to be under the same roof.

Also, I've heard that Jon is only half Asian, but I've seen those kids and they're definitely full Asian, which can really only mean one thing: Kate cheated on Jon with a 200% Asian man. I'm pretty positive that has to mean that...



...Bruce Lee returned from the grave just to fertilize that bitch. Gangsta shit.

Either way though, I would never, ever, ever watch this show, even if there are 8 little half-Lees running around. There is pretty much only one way I would ever watch this garbage...


JON AND KATE VS. EIGHT

Yeah, that's right. Jon and Kate versus their half-bitch-half-Lee spawn in a fight to the death.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking that I believe in strength in numbers. I believe in Bruce Lee. And you're right. But if you think that I really believe that 8 children could defeat two grown adults in a fight to the death than you're fucking retarded.

They're children. They cry if you tell them they can't have ice cream. I'm pretty sure they're not going to be able to kill their parents for fuck's sake.

See you soon,
NF

Vick

Michael Vick's out of prison. The Beast Duels hiatus is over.

Polar Bear

Well I was going to go with Natasha's suggestion of Moose vs. Waterbuffalo, but I'm pretty sure a water buffalo isn't a real animal. Buffalo can barely survive on the plains, I don't think they'd handle living in the ocean very well.

So fortunately for you readers, there's been a pretty awesome breakthrough in the news. I guess in some European country called Berlin, a fat woman* decided to jump the fence into the polar bear's area where she was bitten several times on the arms and legs.



Now, there are a few things I feel the need to point out.

First of all, they're in fucking Berlin and all they have is a fence keeping her out? Isn't the entire city just a giant goddamn wall? I honestly know zero other things about Berlin. Maybe they have a good football team or something, I don't really give a shit. But for chrissake, if you're a nation that is clearly full of people with psychotic tendencies, you should probably have something separating them from thousand pound carnivores that I couldn't have jumped over when I was eight.

Okay, secondly, didn't this bitch see when Will Ferrell goes in the bear pit in Anchorman? I mean, I know the movie wasn't funny at all unless you were really, really high. Or are retarded or something. I swear to christ, every time the word trident is ever brought up some asshole recites half of the fucking script. I'd kill myself if I ever took a Greek mythology class.

So I tried to find the youtube clip from that scene, and I couldn't do it. But I found this instead.

Seriously, Will Ferrell? Are there that few jokes out that you have to put a bear in every one of your fucking movies? I never saw that piece of shit Semi-Pro, but I'm honestly shocked that anyone would go through the trouble of hiring a bear just to recycle a shitty joke. Land of the Lost will probably have prehistoric bears in it too. Goddamn.

But I digress. Back to that tubby bitch from the zoo. I think the Two Jacks in the Hole said it best when they said that the real people to blame here is the Coca-Cola company.




Yeah, "always cool". Motherfuckers, polar bears eviscerate people. Not everything's all cuddles and playtime. I mean, sometimes polar bears need a buddy just like anyone else.



Fucking adorable right? That shit should be made into a poster and FedExed to the Middle East.

But sometimes they get hungry or mad that fat chicks are trying to crash in their zoo-pad. Then what happens?



Yeah, carnage happens motherfuckers. They shoulda just let that fat sloppy bitch defend for herself. They probably would've saved hundreds of dollars on fish or fucking seal meat over the next week.

I'm just glad nothing happened to the bear. He coulda gotten fucked by the 5-0 like that monkey with Lyme disease.

So cheers to you bear. You've done something I've always wanted to do: kick the shit out of a fat woman.

Til next time,
Nick

*eeeew

Penguin v. turtle, Dinosaur Jr.

So I just saw Dinosaur Jr. play at Musica in Akron and my ears are still ringing. A couple brief duels:

Dinosaur Jr vs. the hair cells of my Organ of Corti: Dinosaur Jr. Not close. I'll never hear the same again.

Dinosaur Jr vs. electricity: for a brief five minutes, Dinosaur Jr. managed to defeat everything that Ben Franklin taught us about electricity by defeating it with J Mascis' face-melting guitar solos.



These guys are fucking ridiculous. They've been a band longer than I've been alive. They're old enough to be my parents for chrissake. They shouldn't kick as much ass as they do, but they do it. If you wanna see them covering one of the greatest songs since Bach wrote something that only 80 year olds give a shit about, click here. Disagree at your own peril.

Anyways, after the show we got a crew together at the bar and I brought up the following question to Justin (courtesy of Natasha, balla in the worlds of both poetry and being a spicy little Puerto Rican chica):

What would win in a fight, a turtle or a penguin?

Already knowing the answer, and knowing Justin, I just waited for the ridiculousness to flow. As always, he did not disappoint. He's seriously like the fucking M "Night" Shyamalan of Beast Dueling. After fumbling his words for a little bit, I laid it out simply for him: how the fuck is a turtle gonna beat a penguin?

"But how is a penguin gonna beat a turtle?" you might be thinking. Or you might not, if you have enough brain capacity to, you know, feed and clothe yourself. Or if you're Justin.

Seriously, I hope this guy never procreates, because I'll probably end up being the motherfucker who has to raise the poor little critters. And goddamn do I hate babies. They're disgusting. They're like the same thing as senile old people, only not racist. Or maybe they are, and if they were smart enough to talk they'd say shit like "I think that colored nurse just stole my formula." But they're not smart enough to talk, which is why they're still babies.

Anyways, long and short of it*, I think the fight goes a little something like this:

1. Penguin goes for a face stab
2. Turtle retreats its head into its shell like a little pussy
3. Penguin does some cute shit like build a snowman or something
4. Turtle pops its head back out
5. Penguin goes for another face stab
6. Turtle recoils into its shell, awaiting its fate of being a soup or the subject of the most boring chapter in the history of American literature.
   
7. Turtle starves to death
8. Victory: Penguin.

I mean, what the fuck, turtle. Have some self-respect. Four of the awesomest ninjas ever were your ilk



Wait. That's not right.



Okay, better.

Seriously Yertle. Man the fuck up. That shell isn't for hiding in like a little bitch. It's so you don't die when someone steps on you, or so that you can be turned upside-down and flail around for my amusement. I mean, christ, I just implied that this thing would have no problem destroying you:



Sure, it might beat you in a Being-Adorable-And-Super-Fuzzy Contest and you can't help that. But if it beats you in a battle to the death, that's your own goddamn fault. At least Justin has faith in you.

I'm tired. I gotta go save lives all day tomorrow**
Later bitches,
--Nick

*what the fuck does that saying mean?
**that's right, ladies

Some Spring Cleaning

No duel today, I'm just going to tie up some loose ends.

First of all, I'm gonna point out that you can now follow Beast Duels on Twitter.



I know, it's beyond exciting. It's a must have internet feature if you want to get text updates about my life such as:

• What kind of sandwich I'm eating today
• That I'm feeling sleepy
• My reply to @whoeverthefuck that their youtube link was loltastic

How the fuck can you sleep at night without knowing this kind of vital information? I dare say that you cannot! So stop being an asshole and sign up. And hey, if you seem even remotely interesting, maybe I'll follow you too.

Since I'm mentioning the e-Community, I'm calling out all of my fellow duelers. That's right, I'm talking to you, kid with the kind of lazy eye that everyone has been too nice to ever make fun of you for.

I can't come up with all of these awesome duels on my own. Sometimes I need assistance from people who give me brilliant duel opportunities (Cir, Nate) or people who have no idea what they're talking about and need to be put in their place (Justin, Jake). So if you have an idea for a duel, leave me a comment or send me your idea on Twitter or facebook. And hey, if I use your idea, I'll even reimburse you for a small % of the revenue this site makes.



One last thing I wanted to bring up is that it's been brought to my attention that maybe having such a scathingly incendiary blog as this one may be detrimental in my future career as a doctor. See, apparently places of employment are scoping out potential employees, scouring through their facebooks, myspaces and blogs, looking to see if the person they're about to hire is a borderline alcoholic or Satan worshiper or something. So if anyone asks, my name is Todd and I go to OSU.

I think that whole thing sounds kind of paranoid anyway. Of course, it was my mom who told me about it, so it probably is just pretty paranoid.

I know what you're thinking. Yes, my mother reads Beast Duels. Which is kind of uncomfortable, knowing that she's read posts about me wanting to have a 3way with Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. But at the same time...



...look at how hot she is. It would be an insult to Megan* if I didn't mention wanting to hit that.

Shit, I would do horrible, horrible things to sleep with her. Unforgivable things. Nations would crumble. I'm not proud**.

I can't believe Shia-LeBouf-or-however-the-fuck-you-spell-it got to make out with her. Remember Transformers? The movie about alien robots flying to earth to take over our machines, where mechanical creatures morph into cell phones and giant cube-things control their lives? Well even with all of that shit, the most unrealistic part of the movie was that a hottie like Megan Fox would ever go for a geeky douche like Shia.

Unfuckingbelievable.

Man. Now I'm kinda pissed off. Somebody give me a duel to cheer me up.
--Nick

*First name basis.
**I would be really, really fucking proud.

Nick Vs. Some Douche

It's currently a lazy Sunday, raining, and the last day of Spring Break. Perfect day to go see a movie.

Unfortunately, it's March which means every movie in theaters right now probably sucks whale cock.

They have those, right?

Anyways, I was really excited for Watchmen to come out after having read the book and seeing the trailer with the awesome Smashing Pumpkins song. But then it came out and I still haven't seen it.

Maybe the Smashing Pumpkins song also being in Batman and Robin somehow conditioned me to want to stay away from anything associated with that song. Seriously, that movie was gayer than going to see Milk with Clay Aiken.

I don't think that's it, though; I'm not really the type to hold a grudge, right?

I'm pretty sure the reason I still haven't gone to see Watchmen can be summed up in two words, equaling one gigantic douche: Zack Snyder.



Right now, you're probably saying to yourself "Who the fuck is that? It looks like the genetically engineered gay love-child of Dexter and Seth Meyers."

IF FUCKING ONLY. At least then we'd be provided with Weekend-Update-hilarity while simultaneously having vigilante justice being enacted on those who managed to escape the worthless bitchslap of the law.

But no, Zack Snyder is the moron behind such abysmal films as 300. This asshole took an awesome graphic novel and great cinematography and somehow managed to end up with one of the most detestable movies ever made. I think this movie was the first time I ever rolled my eyes at a sex scene. That should speak volumes.

It is literally impossible for anyone to like this movie and have an above average IQ. There's just no goddamn way.

Zack Snyder's been on my shit list before 300 came out though. Why?

Because that dumb motherfucker thought he was so important that he should remake Dawn of the Dead.



What the fuck would ever make him think that's a good idea? Like it could be improved upon or something?

What the hell Zack Snyder, you arrogant little prick. You think you're so goddamn important that you can go around and just remake whatever you want? You asshole. This isn't fucking Death Race that you remade, it was a horror movie classic. Jesus fucking christ, you don't mess with the classics. I mean think about it. It's not like there's someone out there that's so delusional and arrogant that they're gonna remake the fucking Bible or something.

So the eternal struggle continues. Am I in the mood to see the fantastic tale of washed up superheroes, corruption, and betrayal... get anally violated by arguably the worst director of this generation?

Only time will tell. The only thing I'm sure of is this: the outcome of Beast Duels vs. Zack Snyder. I shouldn't need to elaborate. Let's just say if his career was a person, I'd kick it in the face and then drown it in a kiddie pool filled with its own blood.

God I hate that guy.

Later bitches,
Nick

Jaguar Vs. Snake

Woooo more spring break! You know what that means...

More dueling. Who could ask for anything more, amirite? Let's get right to it.

The Competitors: 200 lb Jaguar vs. 300 lb Snake

Wait a minute. A jungle cat fighting a snake? This seems oddly familiar, doesn't it? I can't quite put my finger on it...



Oh, right, right. That. How did that turn out in animated form?



I think having your entire body contract scoliosis pretty much means you lost, Kaa. So we've got the opinion of Disney, but you know what? Fuck Disney. We beast duel the old-fashioned way, don't we? So we're going to witness this beast duel ourselves; you can eat your heart out, Rudyard Kipling. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you dead racist douche.

Let's just analyze the different styles of fighting these two creatures will tend to employ. One will be coming out with bites and scratches; the other with vicious choke-holds and strangulation.

Actually, that sounds kinda like what Spring break's been like for me, if you catch my drift*.

Annnnyways, back to the duel. You kids should feel lucky today. Privileged, even. Because I have a fucking awesome gift for you. What could it possibly be?

It's video of this duel! And not just any video. Video with awful narration but the most fucking epic soundtrack that filmstrips from the 1950's can provide. Let's check this shit out.

That jaguar pretty much kicked ass. Narrator-dude says he was at risk of being choked to death or something, but I don't think he has any idea what he's talking about. Sir David Attenborough would've definitely done a better job.

So kudos to you, giant kitty. You managed to take down a creature that severely outweighed you and had no arms. I only hope that someday if I'm ever in a skirmish with a 400 pounded handicapped guy, I can thrive with a similar flair.

Til next time,
Nick

*c'mon. Think about it dummy.

Back To Dueling

So I wake up this morning and the whole world's a little foggy. Spring break, bitches! I'm all like Miami Beach or Tijuana up in this bee-snatch, only I'm actually in sunny-fucking-Akron, Ohio. Home of LeBron James!!!! Woooo!1!!!

He totally throws the 3D version of a circle into the 2D version of a circle better than almost every other tall guy out there. I'm seriously proud to be from this place just because of him. I mean, we must have so much in common just because we have lived in the same city. I bet he's even gotten flat tires driving down Portage Path because the mayor is a'ight with leaving potholes the size of Sarah Jessica Parker's nose in the streets.

Christ, the mayor. What an asshole. After 9/11, he sent fliers out door-to-door saying that campaign finance reform fuels terrorism*. I think he actually meant poor people, but hey, it's not like either demographic is going to donate in excess of the $300 legally allowed like other people so what's the fucking diff anyway, right Plusquellic?

But I digress. I wake up this morning and check out my phone and the following note is written in it:

Killer whale vs 3 alligators

Incredible. It's like I just drink and someone else does the work for me**. Let's dive right in***.

The Competitors: Killer Whale vs. Three Alligators

The Duel: Battle Royale: Fight to the Death

The Setting: I dunno. Watery something.

Killer Whale Facts:

• Aka "Orca", "Blackfish" or the totally badass "Seawolf"
• Super cuddly in plush Shamu form, sometimes go manhunting in non-plush form
• Weigh about six tons
  
  
  
  
  

Alligator Facts:
I'm not even gonna bother. I mean, sometimes I think alligators are pretty hardcore. Like the time they jacked the shit out of a wildebeest. That was pretty nuts.

But other times, alligators are gigantic vaginas. Like that time they got bitched out by maybe the snuggliest creature known to mankind.

Seriously, this shit is no contest. The fifteen otters have a better shot against the Seawolf.

The Winner: Killer whale.

And it's not even close.

It's got killer in its name, for fuck's sake. This one isn't even open for discussion people.

It's spring break, so I'll see you soon.
--Nick

* this is 100% true
**thanks for the idea Nate
*** pun was also for Nate

Chris Brown Vs. Rihanna

Lol, jk.

Seriously, what kind of asshole do you people think I am?

25 Things

I keep reading this shit in my Facebook feed:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

It's like a fucking chain-letter gone awry that I can't even ignore. Seriously. My stupid feed is chock-full of that shit.

Anyways, I'm bored and uninspired so I'm going to name things until I either reach 25, or get bored. I'm also not tagging any of you, because I don't want to know more about you. You're here on my blog, where the focus is on me. If you can't deal with that, move to fucking Russia.

1. There are nations that worship Beast Duels as a deity. All other nations will crumble and are doomed to eternal damnation.
2. I check Justin's blog hourly and telepathically remind him I'm an exponentially better blogger than he is.
3. A hooker in Atlantic City refused to have her picture taken with me.
4. She kinda looked like this:
   
5. I could probably play some guitar like Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson or some shit if I wanted to, but I don't do it because I'm not a douchebag.
6. Not to keep harping on how awful M. "Night" Shyamalan is, but if that cocksucker wanted to make a movie with a crazy plot-twist ending, what he should do is when the movie ends, have it not suck. Or fuck it, just not make me want to kill myself.
7. I'm aware these are all supposed to be about me. I'm willing to deal with the consequences of disobeying chain letters. I got a bomb-shelter to hide out in, just in case. Don't worry about me, bitches.
   
8. Remember when the dude on the ten dollar bill got shot? That shit is like beast duels, American History style.
9. I wish that pandas got pissed off more often. That'd really spice shit up around here.
10. If I found a baby T. rex, I'd totally keep it and be willing to face the consequences of raising it poorly.
11. I'd have no idea who the hell Kim Kardashian is if she didn't videotape herself getting fucked.
12. How terrible are people who think the movie Crash was good? I know you won't answer, so I'll tell you: really fucking terrible. That movie is so awful. It's like Love Actually, but they replaced Keira Knightley with racism.
    
13. Justin and Jake have continued to share their poor Beast Dueling skills by trying to posit that a zombie could defeat its weight in bees. I'm not gonna even bother justifying their poor opinions with my logic behind my decree. Let's just say I know for a fact that they're wrong. I'm not legally allowed to disclose any more than that.
    
14. How fucking hilarious is tetanus?
15. I can't believe you people are really reading all this.
16. If you've ever seen a picture of HPV in a male, it basically looks like someone fucked a jar of strawberry jelly.
17. It's not often that I want to be the ocean. This is one of those rare moments. (may be not safe for work).
18. This dude fucking rocks.
19. So do these guys (on a poker site, but not about poker).
20. You're seriously still reading this? I'm not even reading this. This shit has seriously taken me like two weeks to write because I get bored every time I name something else.
21. I wonder if I'll finish writing this before Patrick Swayze dies.
    
22. "If you watch Jeopardy! backwards, it's a show about rich people paying money for answers to stupid questions."
23. I decided I'm against legalizing marijuana. Not because I think it's wrong or dangerous, but because if it's legal, a lot of people are gonna fucking piss me off.
24. This poster has actually found its way into being used in my day to day eSlang.
    
25. This was a waste of time. It seriously took me over a month to write all this. You basically just got robbed of like five minutes. Good luck trying to get it back.
    

Catch you dummies later,
--Nick

A Two-Fer!

Maybe you guys read the news every once in a while. For those of you who can't, let me tell you what's going on in a segment I like to call "This Week In Beast Duels".

For this week's This Week In Beast Duels.... eh, fuck it. Let's call it "Beast Duels In The News."

For this week's Beast Duels In The News, we've got a two-fer for you guys.

Round 1:

The Competitors: Travis the Chimp + Borrelia burgdorferi* vs. some woman's face

Let's start with a few photos of the competitors:

Travis:


Borrelia:


That lady:


According to the 911 phone call, the monkey "ripped her face off." I've seen a number of beast duels in my day, but a chimp goin Buffalo Bill on some woman is pretty uncalled for. I mean, what would make a monkey go so bananas?!

I suppose that joke was in poor taste. Still, I can't help but wonder if a maneuver like this would've worked better for the lady.

Goddamn is it gonna be warm down there in hell. It's alright, stick with me. I have one of those mini-fans that shoots mist. And a lifetime supply of AAA batteries. Anyways, as much as I hate to admit it, round one goes to Monkey + spirochete**.

Which brings us to Round 2:

The Competitors: Travis the Monkey + Borrelia burgdorferi vs. A Gun



The winner: Well no shit geniuses, it's the fucking gun. The cops killed that stupid monkey.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it PETA? Huh?!

Oh. Right. Wow, those people really are fucking assholes. Of course, they haven't so much as once made a peep about this blog. Fucking pansies. They couldn't handle a blog war versus us. Seriously, what would they do? Throw red paint on me? Didn't they see what happened in Carrie? You really don't wanna fuck with that kinda stuff, PETA. Yeah, I'm talkin to you. I'm ready to go Sissy-Spacek all up in your shit.

I mean, I'm not gonna be a sissy, but... well, you follow me.

Anyways, PETA aside, I do think it was a little unnecessary for the cops to shoot Travis. Seriously, they know you can just treat Lyme disease with amoxicillin, right? I mean, Christ, when kids show up with sore throats, the doctor doesn't pull a snub nose out of his boot and let loose on the diseased little fucker.

But regardless, that's done with. We here at Beast Duels would like to wish the woman well on her recovery. We also hope that she doesn't let this horrible, unfortunate incident affect her psychologically for the rest of her life. We don't want her going around with a chimp on her shoulder***.

That's all folks. I'll catch you guys later.
--Nick

*Lyme disease, dummies
**I'm just using these terms so that my medical knowledge will for once actually be put to use.
***I'm hilarious.

The Swarm

Let's talk about bees again.

Bees are a fucking Beast Dueling goldmine. They're small, they can fly, and they live almost everywhere*. I mean, the list goes on and on.

And they're evil. Real fucking evil. Remember what they did to that kid in My Girl?



THEY FUCKING KILLED HIM. A child! Bees murdered a fucking child. I never saw Akeelah and the Bee, but I'm sure they kill the little girl in that too.



Seriously, people talk about how evil Jack the Ripper was, but all that dude did was strangle whores. I mean, c'mon, who hasn't been with a whore and wanted to choke 'em a little bit. That guy just had the cajones to act on his convictions.

But children? For shame, bees. For shame.

I mean, for chrissakes, even Wu Tang has known about bees for over ten years.



We have to be on the alert people. I'm pretty worried here, because if the bees smarten up, we might be seeing this on the front page of the New York Times.

The Duelers: Bees vs. The World

The Duel: Battle Royale, a fight to the death

The Victor: Bees

Granted, we'll all be dead so instead of being written in English, it'll be written in fuckin honeycombs or some shit. That's not the point. This is a call to motherfucking arms people. We have to act, and soon. Who knows when the bees will evolve to be able to read the written word. And if and when that day comes, we, as a species, are boned.

Seriously bitches, watch your backs.
--Nick

*that matters

Leopard Vs. Crocodile

Hey everyone,
Just got back from Nigeria. No, I don't wanna fucking talk about it, so don't ask. Nosy pricks. Maybe you should mind your own goddamn business for once.

Oh, the pictures? Right.

I saw some epic shit over there. And not "epic" like some 4-hour piece of tripe vomited out by Peter fucking Jackson. That guy's just horrible. Seriously, if there was a script called "Nick Knocks Boots With Jessica Alba and Megan Fox While Hannah Montana Assassinates the President with a Blender" and that useless douche directed it, it would be boring as shit.

C'mon. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy was longer than Shoah. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Does he think some piece of shit story about elves, gay wizards and haunted jewelry is more significant than the extermination of millions of people?

Fuck that guy.

No, the kind of epic I mean is the "awesome" kind.



So, I'm kickin' it in the dessert because, you know, what the fuck else am I gonna do when I'm "on vacation" in Nigeria. That Prince asshole still hadn't come with the plane yet, so pretty much the only thing worth doing was to stand around and watch the grass not fucking grow because we were in a goddamn dessert.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, a familiar noise hit my ears. It was the cries and gnarls of animal warfare. That's right, it was a real live Beast Duel.

Don't act so surprised cocksuckers. Act like you've been there before.

I ran (walked) over to where I heard the sound and was greeted with the following Beast Duel:




The Participants: Leopard Vs. Crocodile

The Setting: 20 miles from Still-Fucking-Nowhere, Nigeria

The Duel: FEAST Royale, a variant of Battle Royale in which the victor is awarded the carcass of the subdued, free to take it to its place of dwelling so the babies will have something to nibble on.

The Leopard:

• Body length up to over 6 feet
• Weigh up to 200 pounds
• Pull that sneak-attack shit like velociraptors
• This feline is also renouned enough to have the Mac operating system Leopard named after it, delighting hipster faggots everywhere.
• This creature is also known for its pelt, often seen adorned by divorcees in their late thirties who don't believe in things like "safe words".

Yick.

The Crocodile:

• Size varies by species from 3 to 15 feet
• Jaws comparable to steel, but sometimes let birds chill there

• Don't use moisturizer
• The crocodile is also known for being hunted by that dead dude, being made into awesome briefcases, and starting their own genre of music.
  
  
  
  
  

• Crocodiles also have the indignity of having the ugliest pair of shoes ever named after them.
  

I'll cut to the chase with what I saw. Needless to say, I knew who was gonna win the entire time.















Damn. Pretty fucking badass, and I'm not one easily impressed.

Until next time,
Nick