Two Raccoons vs Three Snapping Turtles

This duel is courtesy of Nate Kellogg.

The majestic raccoon, of the family Procyonidae and the species lotor is essentially known for two things; being rabid and eating garbage.  It's the hobo of the animal kingdom.



Per the American Journal of Psychology, they have the capacity for abstract thought and have been shown to learn at the rate of Rhesus monkeys, which makes them slightly smarter than most of the Firestone graduates I saw at the bar last night.

The snapping turtle, measuring up to 20" in length, is fucked.  What is it gonna do to a raccoon, lurch it to death?  I know that the moral of that fable was "slow and steady wins the race."  You know what moral the hare should've taken away?

Don't be an asshole.

Jesus.  How is a turtle even able to attack a raccoon?  All it has to do is not put its claws directly in the turtle's face.  Then, boom, flip it on its back and it's horsefucked. That shell is supposed to be protective, but how is it gonna flip back before getting eviscerated? It's his Achilles's shell.  The only hope the turtles have is to find some mutagen, a sword and nunchuks. Without that, even a bird could beat these helpless bumblefucks.

I don't even think the second raccoon need involve himself.  He could just sit back, relax and be voiced by Bruce Willis.

Everyone knows these creatures are an indomitable force of destruction, wreaking physical havoc on our bodies and emotional trauma on our souls, which is why Sylvester Stallone named that boxer after the raccoon in the Beatle's song. And, speaking of, I have to point out that I've heard college girls perform Rocky Raccoon via the artistic medium of the karaoke, and christ has Gideon's Bible never sounded so unappealing. Shrieking wenches.

So congratulations raccoons, you win this duel.  May all of my neighbors forget to fasten the lids of their garbage cans so that you can enjoy your victory bounty.   And you readery people, send me some Beast Duels suggestions here and I will do them, regardless of quality.

Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

This week's duel is courtesy of Jake Kellogg.

Osama Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

For the sake of argument, let's say this fight is these guys going head to head while they're in their prime. A real "who would win, Ali or Tyson" type battle but with more killing of infidels. Plus, there's not much sense in doing a modern day fight with these two. A lifeless body with shattered neck vertebrae against a buoyant corpse all bloated with ocean water just seems to be in poor taste, even for me.

So Saddam, early 90s

Versus Osama, sometime in the middle of the year 2001. Can't remember the exact date.

Just looking at the movies these eras inspired should give Saddam an easy victory here. I mean, Three Kings was so good, even Mark Wahlberg isn't horrible in it. Compare that to the Nic Cage World Trade Center movie.

First of all, and I know I'm not breaking any new ground here, but fuck Nic Cage. I know people are worried about CERN and Higgs bosons and shit, but if Cage and M. Night Shayamalan ever collaborate the universe might actually fucking implode.

Second of all, that movie was made in the year 2006. They really only waited five cocking years to exploit that shit? Even Michael Bay waited 70 years to make Pearl Harbor. I mean, what's fucking next? Is Gary Marshall gonna make a movie with Gwenyth Paltrow as Gabrielle Giffords and Ashton Kutcher as that astronaut?

Anyways, I don't really see Osama imposing to much of a physical threat. The guy had been on dialysis since the fucking cold war. All Saddam would have to do is turn the power off at Osama's for a few days and he'd end up getting to fluid-overloaded he'd technically be a beverage. And Hussein just kinda looked like a bad-ass. No one has a mustache like that for that long without knowing how to kill a man using only his hands.

So congrats to Saddam, this week's winner.  Hope to see you soon in the Arrested Development movie.

Beast Duels on Joe Paterno

Topical!  And stream of consciousnessy, just for the ferk of it.

Fuck.  It actually takes the rape of young boys for Rick Santorum to no longer be the most despicable person in Pennsylvania.  Congrats, Jerry Sandusky, for creating a charity for troubled male youths.  I'm sure they considered not being anally violated in a shitty college's locker room to be their biggest conflict in life, so I'm glad you were able to help them work through those issues.

At least he didn't call it "Fisted"

Can you believe this book is a real thing?  Fucking seriously?  And with that finger?  Mother fucking Theresa it's like he was bragging about it.  He's like the Little Prostate Exam That Could.

<insert Hershey highway joke here.  Too hack to bother writing>

It is kind of refreshing to see some sexual assault not being performed by a Red Sox fan.

Remember that time that there was that one organization that covered up all those young boys being raped?  There was that big backlash when that one guy was fired?  The boss who oversaw it all, I think it was.  What was his name... The pope.  No wait, he wasn't fired.  From what I can tell, sodomy is alright as long as you're using rosary beads for your sex toys.

Look, I know football is retarded, but I generally give people enough credit to realize that winning some college cunting football games is just the teeniest, tiniest skosh little bit less significant than allowing a dozen boys getting Deliveranced by a guy old enough to be Moses' fucking babysitter.  400 wins, Joe Paterno?  Fuck off, man.  That's only ten wins per alleged sexual assault.  Come back to me when you've won at least 500. Shit, Cy Young won over 500 games, he didn't cover up any pedarasts.  We better all feel lucky that dude's been dead half a century or he could go on quite the fucking tear.

All that being said, Roman Polanski is a great fucking director.

Speaking of people we shouldn't have been surprised about...

Batman Vs. Superman

This week's duel is Batman vs. Superman.

I'll do what I can to have batman win here, since he's awesome and Superman is pretty horrible.  As a comic  book crusader against criminals and all that is evil, the tales of Superman are pretty worthless.  It's like talking about who the hottest girl is in your high school, and then one of your friends says "well Katrina Bowden is hotter".

Of course she is you fucking idiot.  She's the space alien who is impervious to bullets of hot girls.  She's so hot there's not even a point in mentioning her.  And that's why Superman is so fucking boring.  "Oh, the bad guys have a bunch of guns? Too bad for them, not even guns can kill me."  Yeah, it's really fucking exciting to watch someone who's never in any danger.  That's why I stopped watching House.  I watched the whole first season of people actively seizing and hemorrhaging out their GI tracts but still no one ever died in that goddamn show.

And Superman's villains are awful.  Batman has the Joker, Two-Face, The Mad-Hatter... I'll forgive them the abortion that Batman and Robin was. Who could've predicted that an Arnold Schwarzanagger film would be terrible?

Compare that to villains like Lex Luthor.  The bad guy is just some billionaire mogul?  Shit, in real life when some billionaire bent on capitalist domination at the expense of child labor dies, we hold iPod-light vigils for them at the mall.

We're better off siding with the rich guy instead. Look at Bruce Wayne.  That dude could've sat around and slept with supermodels (maybe even Katrina Bowden?) and spent his money on shit like ten-thousand dollar shoes and gold pens.  Instead he learned how to kick ass and drives a cooler car than Marty McFly.

Frankly, I know Superman would win in a fight.  I don't give a fuck.  A world where Superman is the coolest superhero we've got isn't a world I don't want to live in.

On Netflix

Netflix's technical prowess is pretty impressive.  They have literally thousands of movies available to watch instantly.  Their technology is so good that watching a movie on instant is actually faster than just getting up from my couch and putting a DVD in.  It's really increased my risk of getting a blood clot.

The instant watch feature is so widely used, it accounts for approximately 25% of all internet traffic in North America. That puts it in 2nd place for all causes of internet usage, and the number 1 cause for all internet traffic that doesn't include blonde high school drop-outs thinking that they're now just one lucky break away from starring in a major motion picture.

They're so efficient at streaming video it's actually gotten to the point where if it lags for five seconds, I suffer from an intense rage due to a sense of instant gratification entitlement that I've only known for a year but feel like I've known my whole life.  It's actually kind of romantic.

Netflix is so meticulous in their process that they've managed to create genres way beyond what I'd ever felt a need to know of in my life.  For twenty-some years I was limited by just a few categories like comedy, drama, horror and movies with those nice blonde girls I was talking about earlier.  But now, I have options of genres like "Swedish Serial Killer Movies With a Female Narrator" or "Critically Acclaimed Movies from the 70's That Would Have Received More Commercial Success If DeNiro Had Been in Them, But Are Still Worth a Watch".  And each category will have like twenty fucking movies.  Which is great, because I'm a big fan of those genres.

That being said, if they're so fucking smart then how come Rock-a-Doodle is in my Top 10 Picks for Nick?

Oh well.  I guess it's not like they divided up their instant and DVD services.  Or named something "Qwikster".

On Television

I watched part of Kill Bill (Part I) yesterday on TV.  I think it's important that I start off by pointing out that watching a movie being played on TV is like ordering a hot dog instead of steak because you don't want to go through the extra effort of adding "...medium rare".  It's just a lazy thing to do.  I'm not proud of that decision, but what was I supposed to do... watch commercials?

I changed the channel at the scene when O-Ren Ishii says this:

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!

Of course, since it was on TV, what she actually said was

The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is... I collect your <...> head. Just like this sucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the <...> time!

Really?  Really.  We can't just say fuck on TV?  I guess I can understand.  It was early on a Saturday evening.  No one wants impressionable young children channel surfing being exposed to foul language like that.  It's a responsibility of ours-- as Americans-- to protect our young ones.

Oh yeah, did I mention they didn't do anything to edit out the fucking severed head?

Jesus christ.  Enough of that.  Had to switch back to the Seinfeld commercials.  I saw an infomercial for this:

Remember this $50 coin they made out of 24 carat gold?  Neither do I, but apparently you can buy them for ten bucks on TV.  What a fucking steal. 

And by "buy them", of course I mean shoddy replicas with "COPY" written on the Native-American gentleman's head on the other side.  Classy.

The commercial ends with the claim that you should purchase this shit to "avoid disappointment and future regret".  I'm sorry, but how is buying a fake coin going to help me avoid disappointment? Does it time travel and prevent me from getting a joint bank account with my fiancee a week after we got engaged and a week before she spent more on chapstick than I'm willing to spend on a DVD?

So Kill Bill on TV and commercials both let me down.  Time to run though, I'm gonna watch Human Centipede on Turner Classic Movies.  I hope they don't do anything horrible in it like say the word shit.

Period Movies

I was watching Jeopardy recently, and a category came up called Period Movies.

The answers to the questions ended up being things like Year One*.   They were NOT films such as the following:

• 28 Days
• 28 Days Later
• 127 Hours
• Monster
• A River Runs Through It
• The Crying Game
• Red Dragon
• Six Days, Seven Nights
• Scent of a Woman
• The Sting
• Red Dawn
• Crimson Tide
• Pretty In Pink
• Blood Diamond
• The Fountain
• Trainspotting
• The Wrath of Khan
• Raging Bull
• Very Bad Things
• Unstoppable
• The Hurt Locker
• The Fighter
• Malice
• True Grit
• Snatch
• There Will Be Blood
• Blood Sport
• The Thin Red Line
• Sense and Sensibility
• Life Is Beautiful
• Reality Bites
• Hot Fuzz
• Blood Simple
• First Blood
• Misery
• Anger Management

*seriously? Year One?  Year One.  That made it onto a Jeopardy episode? This garbage should be bleached out of our entire cultural awareness.  If aliens ever come to Earth, they won't hesitate to enslave us because they'll know we're retarded and can't take care of ourselves.

James Bond v. Jason Bourne v. John McClane

Let me start off by stating that all of the 3 very non-fictional characters in today's duel are unlikely to ever battle one another.  They're all technically on the same side; the fight against tyranny, oppression, and villains with either bad accents or bad mustaches.

So, to begin our analysis...

James Bond

Pros:

• Gets all the ladies
• Drives fancy cars
• Is British and shit

Drawbacks:  too dependent on flashy gadgets.  When he's left without gadgets, he ends up getting his junk smashed repeatedly with soap-on-a-rope by this lazy-eyed dork:

 
He also has to deal with stupid women with names like Christmas and Pussy.  He was also played by this guy (can't even post the picture on this website, out of shame)

Jason Bourne:

Pros:

• Knows how far he could run, given a known altitude
• Access to a few dozen different passports
• I'm pretty sure he ends up owning a surf shop, but I might be thinking of Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption

Drawbacks: His claim to fame is that he's forgotten a bunch of shit.  That's not exactly a trait I hold highly for international men of mystery.  I've had bouts of retrograde amnesia too; it's called fucking college.

I mean, christ, I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast and I've only been awake a couple hours.  Shit, if forgetting stuff makes you just shy of a superhero every senior citizen would be running around in a fucking cape.

John McClane

Pros:

• Defeats broken glass merely with his feet
• Killed Severus Snape
• Coined the following...

Drawbacks:  He's basically a regular cop, he's broke with no friends or family, and is kind of an asshole.  Or as I like to call it, "he's a cop".

Still, the fact that he has 1) no money 2) no Q to give him gadgets and 3) doesn't have to go to the abortion of a continent that is Europe makes John an easy winner here.

Plus, his daughter looks like this...

...but still managed to be kind of badass in Live Free or Die Hard.

Suit Up!

This is what happens when I suit up and comb my hair...

Fucking brutal.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

The following comes courtesy of the Pulitzer Prize winning (maybe?) book Who Would Win: A Guide to Great Imaginary Showdowns.

Gandhi Vs. Mother Teresa

Gandhi is famous for ~fighting for Indian independence, not eating, and looking uncomfortably like Ben Kingsley.  The guy's really an inspiration.  I haven't eaten in like six hours and would definitely succumb to  imperialists if I found out my microwave didn't work.

Plus, fuck the British.  I had to listen to people talk about that fucking wedding for like six months.  I went to a wedding last week that only took 20 minutes and I thought that was boring as hell.  It's  beyond me why any self-respecting human would get up at 3 in the goddamn morning to watch the wedding of a monarchy we don't even subscribe to.

I feel like someone should point out to the British that their hats are ugly.

Christ.  Prince William has literally done less to get famous than the fucking Kardashians.

Then there's Mother Teresa.  She is a step shy of being canonized after the miracle of curing cancer that 1) probably wasn't even cancer and 2) was being treated medically.  Talk about a true divine intervention.

No, I didn't steal this joke from Bill Hicks

She has also helped the poor by keeping them poor but making them Catholic.  She's also notable for being against birth control and abortions, which doesn't really matter because no one would fuck her anyway.

So who would win?  Probably Mother Teresa.  Gandhi wouldn't survive much more than a fierce head-butting.  Plus, she has Edward Norton on her side.

"Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger"

Adios,
Nick

Horsies!

So yesterday was the Kentucky Derby, which I somehow stumbled upon and got to watch the last couple hundred yards from 30 different fucking vantage points.  I get it.  The horse crossed the finish line first.  It's not gonna fucking change when you switch to the aerial view.

The winner of the 2011 Beast Duels-sponsored Kentucky Derby was called Animal Kingdom, which I'm pretty sure was named after an Australian movie with plot holes so gaping I'm pretty sure they fucking bend light.

When the race ended, the interviewed the winning jockey-- which is a horribly named profession.  It's bad enough they're all short and squirrely, but their job doesn't need to conjure up images of goddamn tighty whities.  So they're interviewing this short cocksucker and they ask him about his racing strategy.

The jockey.  No shit.

His strategy?!  "Uh, I sat on the horse.  And then... kept doing it."  Can't wait for the Lifetime story about that dude.  It'll be like A Beautiful Mind Part II.

I can't imagine anything more unnecessary than a jockey.  It's a horse race.  Just let the horses go.  They're in narrow lanes, it's not like they're gonna get turned around.

The worst part of the whole Kentucky Derby ordeal was when I realized that that horse's ejaculate was worth more than my fucking brand new car.  Brutal.

Literary fan fic

These are fan-fics of famous literature I want to read:

Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finngerbang
Joyce's U-Lick-these
Nabakov's Blowlita
Heller's Snatch-22
George Orwell's 1969
Dostoevsky's The Brothers Came-amazov
David Foster Wallace's The Infinite Chest
Melville's Black Moby Dick
Remarque's All Quiet on the Western Cunt (and in a similar vein, Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Cunter)
Margaret Atwood's The Handjob's Tale
Thomas Hardy's Lewd the Obscure
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Poon Hound of the Baskervilles
Flaubert's Madame Ovary
Burgess' A Cockwork Orange
Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckolds Nest
Alabian Nights
Dickens' Great Sexpectations
Hemingway's For Whom the Balls Toll

Feel free to add your own

Chewbacca vs. Five Averagely Strengthed People

We all know Chewbacca, right?  The tall thing who looks vaguely like Bigfoot, but also kinda something from a beef jerky commercial?  So let's take Chewbacca (of Star Wars fame) and pit him against some people.

What a wookiee!

Why Chewbacca, you may ask.  How about because he's one of the most badass creatures in film history.  Want proof?  He makes being a wookiee sound fearful.  A wookiee.  Compare this to that cocktard pussy Russell Brand who ~wrote something and called it My Booky Wook.

Ugh.  Seriously?  Fuck that grimy British piece of shit.  I bet that dude constantly smells like soup.  Ooooh, look at me, I slur a lot, look at how charming.  Fuck you.  The fact that this dickhead gets to tag a chick like Katy Perry is proof that there is a God and he fucking hates all of us.

So like I've shown, since Chewie's so awesome let's have him fight multiple people of moderate strength.  I'm talking people who are not quite as tough as, say, a Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond, but still exponentially tougher than the aforementioned Russell Brand.  Probably something like any-woman-who's-ever-played-softball tough.  Like Demi Moore in GI Jane tough.

CGI is a hell of a drug

Chewbacca vs. 5 Average Strength Humans

This is clearly Chewbacca.  I imagine the fight goes a little something like this...

1) Subdues person A
2) Rips one of their limbs off
3) Proceeds to beat person B, C, D, and E to death with it

Using this method, the number of people he could beat is essentially infinity.  He'd be like the digits-in-Pi of mayhem.  The David Foster Wallace's Jest of killing. 

Basically, he'd be like a coprophiliac in zero gravity:  he would fuck that shit up.

Peace
--NLF

Not a duel: Gun Rant

Since there aren't enough duels in the world to conduct, and since I need to rant so much that not even the idiots in real life and professional retards I'm friends with on Facebook can satiate me, I'm going to expand the Beast Duels blog a bit.

So let's get started with...

Gun Rant

You know the NRA phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people"?



How are the cocktards who say this not being called out on their bullshit?

People don't kill people, they can barely hurt each other for fuck's sake. When's the last time you heard of a liquor store being robbed by someone armed merely with a roundhouse? Or this headline...

In Baltimore today, more gang-related turf battles leave three gang members and two civilians dead after a drive-by Judo chopping.

If movies have taught me anything (and with the amount I've seen, how could they not), the only way to kill someone with your hands is by putting a pillow over their face for thirty seconds. I'm skeptical as to whether that shit is real though-- otherwise, I think that would mean that falling asleep on your stomach is technically attempted suicide. Aside from that, hands are just tools for pulling triggers and something about sex.

Speaking of suicide, Reason #26 I don't think I could ever be a cop: If I found a dead guy guy with a pistol in hand, gaping hole out of the back of his skull and a note that said "I'm so sick and tired of this world I'm living in", I'd definitely be the asshole to point out that moron shouldn't end sentences with prepositions.